Bologna Sandwich
by Karla ° Wednesday, September 19, 2007
I was a pretty typical eater as a kid. I hated all food that wasn’t made of chocolate or fruit loops or peanut butter and jelly.

My mom was very strict about including healthy stuff in my packed school lunches and this bothered me deeply because how can you expect a child to believe that her family loves her when all her friends are eating Twinkies and she is stuck with a bag of carrots?

Even worse than carrots was the never ending bologna sandwiches.

So, like the typical kid that I was, I often didn't eat my lunch. This never went over very well when I returned home from school and my mom found my uneaten bologna sandwich at the bottom of my Barbie lunch pail. She always gave me a lecture about all the starving children all over the world and how grateful I should be for the food we have, but I had a very hard time listening to her over the rumble of my stomach and the voices in my head trying to mastermind a plan to sneak a reach into the cookie jar.

There was one day in particular that I remember coming home from school and because it had been a very long and exhausting day of playing house and colouring inside the lines, I just didn’t have any energy left to have to deal with my mother and her starving kids lecture. So after I got off the bus, my lunch pail and me made a mad dash for the house and hid behind the door to our front entrance.

Now, a clever kid might decide to toss the left over evidence of unconsumed lunch products in the garbage before returning home and handing their lunch pail over to the discerning eye of their mother, but I was not clever. I was stubborn. And dammit, enough was enough with the bologna already

I didn’t exactly have much of a plan other than to just sit behind the door and hide indefinitely. I had yet to work out the logistics of how long one must remain hidden when on a bologna strike or how one even goes about re-entering society again after god only knows how long I would need to remain in hiding.

After sitting there for a while, I heard my mom walk outside and call my name.

I remained silent.

Concerned, my mom returned inside and I heard her call the bus company to find out where I was. After learning that I had already been dropped off at home, my mom panicked and called the police.

This worried me greatly because I thought that she was going to have me arrested for not eating bologna.

There was no way I was coming out of hiding now.

After several hours of listening to the mayhem unravel outside my house over the search for me and my bologna sandwich, I grew very weary. So while my mother was having a panic attack trying to find me, I decided to take a nap.

Several hours later my mom finally found me curled up in a ball behind the door, sound asleep, clutching my lunch pail.

When she asked me why I hid behind the door while she was out of her mind with worry trying to find me, I confessed that there was a bologna sandwich in my lunchbox.

And as the story goes, me and my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches lived happily ever after.


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That's hilarious. When I was a kid I used to put my long knitted stocking hat and mittens in our mailbox on the way to school because I hated wearing them (and they looked stupid). I thought I could just pick them out again on the way home and put them on before walking in the door. It never occured to me that my plans would be foiled when my folks brought in the mail. And then there was a time my mom was called by our little old neighbor lady. Apparently I was in her garage jumping on top of her car. No cops, though! I love the innocence of a child's thinking. Thanks for the smile today.

Karla, you crack me up!
Posted by Blogger Gina :  September 19, 2007

You never cease to have hilarious stories. Thanks for always keeping me laughing and a smile on my face!
Posted by Blogger Donna :  September 19, 2007

You were one very clever girl (and you still are!)...your tactic worked! If you had thrown away the bologna sandwiches, you would have been still be getting them. =P Thanks for sharing this story; I got a chuckle out of it!
Posted by Anonymous Keri :  September 19, 2007

Oh dear - I'd better not pack balogna in my kids lunches if I want them to come home from school every day!
Posted by Blogger Heather :  September 19, 2007

Just what I needed today a good laugh
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous :  September 19, 2007

My mom always forced bologna on me I don't blame you. Great story.

possibly one of the best things i've ever read. now i want bologna. and my mom always packed the best lunches. they were so good my friends started paying my mom to pakc their lunches too!

Oh my gosh Karla, that is the best thing I've read in a long time.
Posted by Anonymous Beth :  September 19, 2007

I know you're a vegetarian, but German Bologna is much better than regular bologna. Even so, I prefer turkey.

That was a great story.
Posted by Blogger Julia :  September 19, 2007

The world knows no will like that of a child faced with the requirement of eating something they are dead set against eating.
Posted by Blogger Amanda :  September 19, 2007

Good for you for getting that blasted bologna out of your diet! Great story, too! God, I feel sick thinking about all the bologna I consumed over the years. Yuck!
Posted by Blogger Colleen :  September 19, 2007

That was an awesome story, thanks for sharing it, and for the laugh!
Posted by Blogger Scott :  September 20, 2007

I was the EXACT SAME WAY! I would only eat PB&J. That's IT. For YEARS that was all I would eat. If my mom packed anything else for me it was FLUNG into the trash on my way to recess! : )

karla that might be the funniest thing I have ever read. I really needed that laugh today!
Posted by Blogger TBG :  October 03, 2007


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