A Battle of Wills
by Karla ° Friday, June 8, 2007
Mark and I have spent the last two days arguing about me having sex with another man.

And when I say we’ve been arguing, I don’t mean it like we’re all raising our voices and punching holes in the walls because that just isn’t our style. We are two of the most passive people on the planet and we argue like the way a monk prays. Respectfully and tenaciously.

We don’t have a will and we need to get one now that Nate is here. It’s not a nice thing to think about, but we have been talking about it because death and dying are an unfortunate reality and if Mark died, chances are I would probably move on with my life. And when I said that, all he heard was that some asshole would be banging his wife on an exotic island where women don’t wear clothes and beer cans grow on trees while he rots in a coffin somewhere all thanks to his life insurance payout.

So the part that we can't agree on is what conditions need to be placed on the life insurance money should one of us die, particularly when it comes to protecting Nate. And this is of particular importance if Mark dies because you can bet your sweet ass that if I was going to give up a very well paying job to stay home and raise our children that I was going to make damn well sure I would be OK financially for a very long time.

So let’s say that Mark dies tomorrow. Once I got over the fact that the Universe is an asshole because it already took a child from me, there may come a day when I want a man in my life again. So while I’m off being all widowed and slutty and stuff, one day I might also decide to settle down and remarry and depending on my age, have more kids, or maybe even marry into a family with other kids. So let’s fast forward even more into the hypothetical future and consider the possibility that I end up divorced or widowed again (remember Asshole Universe?) What happens to that life insurance money? Mark does not want the hypothetical future man that is banging his wife to see a nickel of the money, but if I have been kissing his kids goodnight for the past 10 years, surely those children are entitled to something aren’t they?

I now know why so many people don’t have wills. This isn’t easy stuff to swallow and digest and I am seriously considering just giving Samson Power of Attorney so he can buy all the goddam dog cookies he wants and be done with it.

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We've been talking about making a will since shortly after Zander was born...and we still haven't gotten around to it. We really need to get on that with 2 little boys to worry about.

One thing we HAVE done is decide who will be the boys' legal guardians if GOD FORBID we both pass away.

Thanks for remind me to get that done...finally! Good luck!
Posted by Blogger Cate :  June 08, 2007

Even if you don't hammer out the financial details completely for the will, it is important that you specify who gets custody of Nate/future children.
Posted by Blogger Gina :  June 08, 2007

I agree it's important that you at least get a will in place that provides for Nate's well being should something happen to both you and Mark.

While I can appreciate Mark's feelings to a degree, I think the most important thing at the moment is to get a will in place so that either of you and Nate especially are protected should the Universe decide to be an m'fer.

I guess my feelings are that as long as a provision is in place to set up a trust for Nate's future then neither of you should place any type of contingencies upon the other aside from that. I'm sure you wouldn't want Mark to go through life alone and if something happened to you and he eventually remarried...ummmmm, are you really going to give a crap about $$? Don't think so.

No matter what you end up doing, remember that wills should be updated every time something changes in your financial or parental sphere. Add a child, change the will. Inherit some money and plan to save it, change the will.

Good luck in ironing this out.
Posted by Blogger Poppy :  June 08, 2007

Let's face it, most younger people will get remarried. Don't think I would though. Wouldn't be looking to for sure.
Posted by Blogger Anvilcloud :  June 08, 2007

Ah yes... the "we should make a will" talk went on for 14 years before we finally got it done.

Interestingly enough the 'banging another man' and 'insurance funds' never came into play a bit. Our big hang up was "OMG WHO WOULD RAISE OUR CHILDREN? WE CANT LET EITHER OF OUR FAMILY MEMBERS NEAR THEM!"


So yeah, seriously - 14 years of praying we don't die before we decide who would raise the kids.

But we have one now. Whew.
Posted by Blogger aka_Meritt :  June 08, 2007

Wow, Meritt and I are on the same page, with the exception that I don't have a will yet. All we worry about is who is the least psycho and old that we can entrust our children to. We have yet to come to a working answer. Trey would definitely find a new woman, b/c he can't take care of himself, much less the kids. I would probably just for someone to run my mouth to. I don't think either one of us disputes that or cares. He could just put the money for Nate into a trust fund the he'll get when he's on his own, and leave you enough to take care of him until then, or until you can get back on your feet and find a new man or a new job.
Posted by Blogger Christi :  June 09, 2007

Yeah, not sure how I feel. I always said I didn't want life insurance because I wouldn't want to spend all this money that I got because my hubby was gone, Ya know?? I don't think I would mind if he remarried as long as she genuinely loved and cared for my kids (hopefully if it everhappened they would be older anyway).

If you can't decide on money issues, at least try to find someone to take care of your baby!

Good Luck, this is a hard topic.
Posted by Blogger Donna :  June 09, 2007

Yeah, we put off writing a will for a long time and only did it a few years ago when Marcel and I were about to get on a plane without our children and we wanted to make sure somebody knew what to do if the plane went down.
Posted by Blogger Heather :  June 09, 2007

Choose someone with your values to raise your children.

If they have your values, they will do with the money what you would do with it.

What we learned all those years ago while choosing who we would leave our children with in the event of our death - was that we were picky-er about who we left them to than we were with who they were stuck with (US!). Geesh. Talk about feeling guilty for living!

Now that in our case it is all played out and our children are 23, 24 and 26, the people we would have left them to are divorced and somewhat nuts. Their kids turned out great though!

Good luck. It's one of the hardest things to do.

And the friends who chose us? Oh, how we prayed that they would NOT die!
Posted by Blogger Judy :  June 09, 2007

I too hate thinking about things like this. We need to get our butts in gear and make a will....I just keep putting it off because I know it's not fun to do. Thanks for the reminder to just DO IT.
Posted by Anonymous Amanda :  June 10, 2007

I am a lawyer and we have two wee boys and we still haven't made our wills.
I drafted powers of attorney for us and they still sit here in the office on the floor unsigned.
We talk about it frequently and can't decide anything.
As for me I was more annoyed by the thought of my husband's second wife using my stuff like my wedding china and bed linen than of her getting the insurance money one day... but lately I feel more like if I die young(ish) and there is an afterlife that I will be sitting around in the afterlife too pissed off about dying young and not being with my kids to care too much about who is spending my money or using my stuff.
Posted by Anonymous Carson :  June 10, 2007


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