Ava's Song
by Karla ° Monday, October 1, 2007
Almost two and half years after watching my baby girl die, there are still days where it feels like I am holding a broken dream in my hand. Days where the floodgates of sorrow that my daughter isn’t with me burn and smoulder under a fire of anguished sadness.

Sometimes the touch of grief is so unimaginably intense that it consumes me. I feel a damp heaviness simmering in the pit of stomach until it boils over in pulsating waves and surges through my entire body in a heavy uneasiness of "what if’s" and unsettling emptiness.

Enduring the emotional rollercoaster of grief is such an incredibly slow process, and like a fine wine or cheese, it is just not something that can be forced or rushed. I have come to learn that it is something that must be savoured slowly to fully appreciate where I have been and how far I have come.

And just when it feels like the Armageddon skies are closing in on me from all directions, someone will write to me and offer their sincere blessings and words of encouragement. I draw a lot of strength from this compassion. It’s like the collective words of kindness from a stranger turned friend swoop down in a parachute of grace to soften the fall.

Recently, I received such a letter from Nicki Black, a beautiful and talented singer/songwriter, who wrote and dedicated a song to my sweet Ava.

Thank you Nicki, for the soft spot to land.

Ava's Song
(c) 9/12/07 Nicki Black

my eyes have cried a thousand tears in your name
my knees have seen the fire and the flame
my heart breaks into a shattered refrain
holy spirit come, holy spirit come

the night that i see has no ending for me
like roots that go down to the earth from the trees
you're a star that exists, but one i can't see
holy spirit come, holy spirit come

the walls that surround me are hollow inside
and the glass house i live in is cloudy and dry
there's no color or light, only wings that can't fly
holy spirit come, holy spirit come

i'd climb all the mountains, i'd swim all the seas
i'll do anything just to have you with me
this life is a prison, i want to be free
holy spirit come, holy spirit come

i dream of the day when the winds softly blow
and tell me the things that i struggle to know
drifting away, my thoughts overflow
holy spirit come, holy spirit come

dance again, here i am, silent and small
i'm making it through this each hour after all
i made you a promise i'd try not to fall
holy spirit come, holy spirit come

i linger and touch you once more in my dreams
i know what the smile on your lips sweetly means
the goodbye we say is temporary
holy spirit come, holy spirit come

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Touching and beautiful.
Posted by Anonymous Daren :  October 01, 2007

That song is beautiful. What a sweet woman. I know I don't know you but I wish I could take that ache away from you so bad because I can't imagine going through such an ordeal. I know Ava is watching down upon you always and you will always be her Mommy. I hope and believe that perhaps after this life you will get to raise her or at least know her a little better. I promise to send balloons into the sky every year on her birthday. Your story has touched me so much and just know that so many people who know you or don't know you care and have been touched and strengthened by your words and story.
Posted by Anonymous Carly :  October 01, 2007

How very beautiful, and how nice it was to write that for all of you.

Hugs, my dear friend.
Posted by Blogger Gina :  October 01, 2007

That's really lovely, Karla. And timely too. We just celebrated Matthew's 7th birthday, so the memories and the residual grief have been with me this week.
Posted by Blogger Heather :  October 01, 2007

That is awesome, I hope it brings some comfort to you and your husband.
Posted by Blogger Scott :  October 01, 2007

What a beautiful song - it brought tears to my eyes. I can't even begin to imagine all that you've gone through in losing Ava but know that there are a lot of us that will never forget her and think of you all often.
Posted by Blogger Brandy :  October 01, 2007

Though I cannot imagine your endless sadness not having Ava in your arms, it is indeed a moving tribute to have someone put down words that so eloquently describe your feelings. You are right, just when we thing we will crash into a million pieces, something catches us and lets us come back to where we live again.
Posted by Anonymous Shannon :  October 01, 2007

I read your blog religiously but have never commented before. I couldn't let this post go without letting you know that I ache for your loss. As one mother to another, you are in my thoughts.
Peace ,
Posted by Blogger Kelly :  October 01, 2007

As I started to read this post I wondered what had opened the Ava thoughts this time... a memory, smell, thought or something your sweet little one did that reminded you. Then I saw the song. The lyrics are sweet, I bet it's beautiful. :)
Posted by Blogger aka_Meritt :  October 02, 2007

I tried to listen to the song, but it said they are mixing it right now....I'll come back to listen. The words speak volumes. So beautiful.

Ava's story is what brought me first to your blog and I was so touched by it. And by you. You are a courageous woman and I am so sorry for the pain and loss your family has gone through. Ava's life has touched me and many others. It wasn't in vain.

Hang in there. You put it way more eloquently, but grief sucks.

Oh Karla.. thank you so much for your kind words. Land softly my friend, land softly..

We've just uploaded the song to my site. It's done.

Much love to you and Mark and Nate.. and of course, sweet Ava.

Oh my, I am so sorry for you. I cannot imagine the pain of your loss but will say a prayer for you and your baby girl.

That is beautiful. My heart hurts everytime I think of what you went through with Ava. I lost my beautiful and much loved husband on Aug 26th and I cannot imagine yet that a day will come when the pain is not squeezing my heart until I fear it will burst.

How wonderful that someone thought of you and Ava...and wrote those thoughts down to music. She will live forever in that song.
Posted by Blogger MrsGrumpy :  October 03, 2007


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