by Karla ° Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I placed the box, bedazzled in pink and all things girly by the front door. I zipped up my hoodie, wrapped a scarf around my neck and as I turned to find my shoes the gravity of what that box symbolized struck me and I felt the familiar sting of grief-fueled pain well from within. “Nate, Sweet Pea, please put on your boots. It’s time to go,” cracked my voice as I willed the tears not to come.

“Is that a present for Ava Mommy?” Nate asked, his ocean-blue eyes meeting mine, full of questions yet brimming with innocent simplicity. “No Sweet Pea, Ava isn’t with us anymore. We are donating this present for another little girl because it’s a really nice thing to do.” And then he said it, and I know he doesn’t quite grasp the full meaning behind what he is saying but he followed up with, “That’s because Ava died. I miss my sister Mommy.” My breath caught in my throat as I leaned in to embrace my living child. “I do, too Sweet Pea, I do, too.”

It’s a yearly tradition. We buy a gift, something we would have given Ava for Christmas and donate it to a local Toy Drive. Ava would have been four this year, almost five actually. It saddens my heart tremendously that she isn’t here to experience the childhood magic of Christmas, but it warms my heart to know that a little girl, somewhere, someplace who may not be as fortunate as us might have an opportunity to experience a piece of the magic my daughter never will.

Labels: ,

Permanent link to this entry


You're going to make some beautiful little girl so happy Christmas morning :) I think this is an amazing way to pay tribute to your incredible little girl!
Merry Christmas!
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous :  December 16, 2009

This is a great thing for you to do. Hugs.

Karla - My living son, Oliver, will be 11 months old on Sunday. As painful as it will be, I hope that when he can talk he'll say the same to me about his big brother, Michael.

I supported a single mom with a child the age Michael would have been (2 1/2) through an anonymous Holiday Hamper program this year. It was the first time I could bring myself to do anything. I loved buying toys for the little one, but it was bittersweet that my sweet baby will never celebrate Christmas.

As always, you write so honestly, I could cry. Hugs.

Posted by Anonymous Anonymous :  December 16, 2009

What a beautiful tradition to honour your little girl.
Merry Christmas!!!
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous :  December 16, 2009

What a wonderful tribute to your sweet girl. I'll never forget how your story touched my heart and makes me ever so grateful for my two kiddos. I still read your blog, I'm just too lazy to comment much.
Merry Christmas

I've only recently become aware of your story and can't stop thinking about Ava. It's wonderful, all the things you do to keep her alive in your heart and to have your son know her.

Happy Holidays.
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous :  December 17, 2009

It's a beautiful thing you do. Some little girl will be blessed because of you.

That's a great and very kind thing to do Karla,
Amanda x
Posted by Blogger Amanda :  December 18, 2009

thinking about you as always my friend
Posted by Blogger rachael :  December 18, 2009

I squeeze your hand, just so.

I am always floored by your heart. You take the worst pain imaginable and turn it into something very honerable and good. Ava's star contines to shine.
Posted by Anonymous Shannon :  December 21, 2009

This tradition is such a beautiful way to honour Ava each Christmas. I just know that she is smiling down on you, Mark and Nate when she sees how wonderful her family is at keeping her a part of all things Cadeau. She is and will always be your first born, your sweet daughter. Blessings to you and your family this Christmas. Try to think of Ava as being able to spend Christmas with the One who is the reason we celebrate this holiday.
Julie Ball
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous :  December 23, 2009

Happy New Year to you all!
Amanda x
Posted by Blogger Amanda :  January 02, 2010

Thank you, Karla. As always.
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous :  January 04, 2010


Search Untangling Knots:

Search Results:

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Saturday, December 05, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Tuesday, September 08, 2009