Some things never change
by Karla ° Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Almost exactly the same time last year I wrote this post and I couldn’t help but remember it today because a year may passed, but some things never change. Nate still has a colossal meltdown if he has to wear mittens, I’m still wearing the same sartorial puffball that is my red winter jacket and when I carry Nate on my hip, his slush-covered boots still leave dirt stains next to my vagina.

Originally posted January 8th, 2009

Dear Winter,

How do I hate thee? Oh, I am so going to count the ways. And when this dissertation is done, assume I could add like, one thousand more reasons if I wasn’t on a schedule that involves a toddler who will not nap and will probably wake up in 4.3 minutes.

1: You’re cold! That really sucks because my body likes heat and sunshine and balmy summer gusts twisting through my hair while I rest my head against a salmon-pink sunset.

2: Also? For the life of me, I cannot get my son to wear mittens or a scarf. Do you not think you could heat things up, just a touch? Because to be totally candid, I find it unreasonable that you’re so unforgiving when it comes to toddlers that are like, pretty much always completely irrational with BECAUSE I SAID SO, even it means enduring the torture of mittens.

3: Every time I forget to park the van in the garage a sudden mountain of snow lands on my car. Vans are ginormous, Winter! And they take an eternity and a day to clear the snow from.

4: We do not have a driveway wide enough to park two cars beside each other and it just so happens that on the days Mark has a ride to the train station it also happens to be the days that I forgot to park the van in the garage. So then I end up having to clear a mountain of snow off of TWO cars and then scrape the ice off of 14 windows just to get Mark’s car out of the driveway so I can leave the house with an already cranky toddler who will do nothing but scream at me for milk the entire time anyway, which is usually only tolerable in one hour increments, which is also why I am a house hermit and my kid is a milkaholic.

5: Which brings up an interesting point, Mr. Winter. For all of the advances in medicine that humanity has accomplished, why is no one is researching the art of human hibernation?

6: Also? I must admit, all of this perpetual darkness is so depressing.

7: So are these perpetually gray skies.

8: And the bone chilling dampness that hovers in the air from the Great Lakes makes me feel like I am 95 years old and crippled with Arthritis.

9: Oh! Hai! Did I mention you are are effing cold? MOFO! Brrr!

10: And that I hate the need for bulky clothing and fingers perpetually encased in stiff-gloved leather?

11: Or that I miss the gilded blush of sun-kissed skin?

12: And that I hate chapped lips? Last Saturday I indulged in a bottle of Australian Shiraz with a friend and on Monday the icky dry patches on my lips were still tainted purple.

13: It’s also very unpleasant to forget what your toes feel like. I have warm boots, I do, but I’m a glutton for self punishment and wanted to wear my heels with a perfectly hemmed pair of boot cut jeans today, so sue me, Winter!

14. Just not over the fact that my puffy red winter coat makes me look like an inflatable air mattress.

15: Oh man, and your cold-induced runny noses can suck it. Both mine and my kid’s. Especially when he wipes his nose on my shirt.

16: And finally, dear Winter, it’s days like today where I’m alternating between holding hands with a snail-paced toddler wading through slush-laden parking lots and perching his body in the cove of my maternal hip that I end up with dirty snow stains right near my vagina because that just so happens to be where his boots land, and walking around with a dirty vagina is not the image I would like the world to see Old Man Winter you filthy pervert you!




For all the gripes I have with the bone-chilling cold and back-breaking snow shoveling that Old Man Winter brings, I have to admit that really can be quite breathtaking, you know, in a hurry up and take a picture before your fingers fall off and lungs freeze in your chest kind of way.

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Nikki Dee has some issues too, also more with mitts than gloves. And if she gets snow on them, heaven help us. I think she may turn out to be prissy missy.
Posted by Blogger Anvilcloud :  January 05, 2010

I envy you Karla. Over here in Australia I watched my local news tonight to be told that for the next five days the average temperature is going to be 43 degrees C - that's 109.4 degrees F - with the overnight temp not dipping below 30 C (86F). A little snow seems like heaven to me right about now ;)
Posted by Anonymous Jo :  January 06, 2010

I couldn't agree more.


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