Old Man Winter
by Karla ° Thursday, January 8, 2009
Dear Winter,

How do I hate thee? Oh, I am so going to count the ways. And when this dissertation is done, assume I could add like, one thousand more reasons if I wasn’t on a schedule that involves a toddler who will not nap and will probably wake up in 4.3 minutes.

1: You’re cold! That really sucks because my body likes heat and sunshine and balmy summer gusts twisting through my hair while I rest my head against a salmon-pink sunset.

2: Also? For the life of me, I cannot get my son to wear mittens or a scarf. Do you not think you could heat things up, just a touch? Because to be totally candid, I find it unreasonable that you’re so unforgiving when it comes to toddlers that are like, pretty much always completely irrational with BECAUSE I SAID SO, even it means enduring the torture of mittens.

3: Every time I forget to park the van in the garage a sudden mountain of snow lands on my car. Vans are ginormous, Winter! And they take an eternity and a day to clear the snow from.

4: We do not have a driveway wide enough to park two cars beside each other and it just so happens that on the days Mark has a ride to the train station it also happens to be the days that I forgot to park the van in the garage. So then I end up having to clear a mountain of snow off of TWO cars and then scrape the ice off of 14 windows just to get Mark’s car out of the driveway so I can leave the house with an already cranky toddler who will do nothing but scream at me for milk the entire time anyway, which is usually only tolerable in one hour increments, which is also why I am a house hermit and my kid is a milkaholic.

5: Which brings up an interesting point, Mr. Winter. For all of the advances in medicine that humanity has accomplished, why is no one is researching the art of human hibernation?

6: Also? I must admit, all of this perpetual darkness is so depressing.

7: So are these perpetually gray skies.

8: And the bone chilling dampness that hovers in the air from the Great Lakes makes me feel like I am 95 years old and crippled with Arthritis.

9: Oh! Hai! Did I mention you are are effing cold? MOFO! Brrr!

10: And that I hate the need for bulky clothing and fingers perpetually encased in stiff-gloved leather?

11: Or that I miss the gilded blush of sun-kissed skin?

12: And that I hate chapped lips? Last Saturday I indulged in a bottle of Australian Shiraz with a friend and on Monday the icky dry patches on my lips were still tainted purple.

13: It’s also very unpleasant to forget what your toes feel like. I have warm boots, I do, but I’m a glutton for self punishment and wanted to wear my heels with a perfectly hemmed pair of boot cut jeans today, so sue me, Winter!

14. Just not over the fact that my puffy red winter coat makes me look like an inflatable air mattress.

15: Oh man, and your cold-induced runny noses can suck it. Both mine and my kid’s. Especially when he wipes his nose on my shirt.

16: And finally, dear Winter, it’s days like today where I’m alternating between holding hands with a snail-paced toddler wading through slush-laden parking lots and perching his body in the cove of my maternal hip that I end up with dirty snow stains right near my vagina because that just so happens to be where his boots land, and walking around with a dirty vagina is not the image I would like the world to see Old Man Winter you filthy pervert you!




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No one ever tells you about stuff like having to wipe your kids nose on your sleeve or having a little shoe print on your jeans near your vagina before you have kids. Thank you. I feel like I'm going to be so much better prepared when the time finally comes!
Posted by Blogger Georgia :  January 08, 2009

Reading this made me cold! At least it snows where you are. In DC? Not so much. Just cold and grey. Meh.
Posted by Anonymous Hilary :  January 08, 2009

Number 14 made me laugh out loud.

At least you have your holiday to look forward too!!
We don't get a lot of snow ~ but we get a lot of rain to make up for it!!
I was in Canada ( Newmarket and Barrie, Ontario ) almost 2 years ago now and the summer weather was great. Even the one rainy day we got was warm!! LOL!
Wrap up and Keep warm!
Amanda x
Posted by Blogger Amanda :  January 08, 2009

word of the day - perpetual

and yes, i detest this frozen death too.
Posted by Blogger Tachaé :  January 08, 2009

Oh Karla ~ this made me laugh so much ~ number 14 was just the best!
We have cold weather here at the moment, but obviously nothing like you have over there ~ no snow to contend with either!!
Hope some warmer weather comes your way too!!

Take care ~ love and hugs Tabitha X
Posted by Blogger Tabitha :  January 08, 2009

Hi Karla! Long time no visit for me. How have you been? Are you anticipating the premiere of Lost in a couple weeks? Do you still watch?

I agree, winter is such a drag. Especially this time of year. Here in Ohio we've slush and ice all day. A mess out there.
Posted by Blogger Kate :  January 10, 2009

Thank you SO much for your blog- you have brightened many of my work days with your wit. Thank you, Jenny in Colorado
Posted by Anonymous Jenny :  January 14, 2009


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