April 14th
by Karla ° Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Today, April 14th, 2009 at 2:11 PM, she would have been four. FOUR! And yet here I am, four years later and still completely at a loss on how to describe the feeling of holding your own child skin to skin against your naked chest while she passes away.

I can hardly even imagine what life would be like with a four-year-old little girl, but when I let my mind daydream, I picture Ava being much like Nate with long, unruly curls and big blue eyes and she would have the personality of her Father; a verbose man with superb communication skills and a penchant to be messy.

I want to thank everyone for your thoughtful emails and pictures of balloons being released into the sky for Ava. It is so incredibly humbling to know her memory still lives on. We will release balloons this afternoon and even though Nate popped one of the pink ones, he very graciously offered up his blue balloon in her memory to help keep with the tradition of seven balloons for her seven short hours she was with us.

Looking back through my archives over the years, I’ve noticed that I tend to pay tribute to her, be it through words or video, but here I sit, comfortably numb with my thoughts and OK with the fact that I can't seem to muster the ability to think much of much today. Nate is in daycare, Mark is at work and I am here and life is normal and although our hearts and souls are always with Ava, life forges on. It’s all we can do, really, when we are ready, not to dwell, but to keep on living and keep on remembering and just keep on keeping on, whatever that happens to mean.

I can only hope, that in time, the families of Thalon and Maddie feel a brief lifting of their grief, if only for a second, so they may find a small space in which to catch a deep breath or two that maybe, just maybe, might offer a fleeting moment of relief from the claustrophobic nightmare of losing a child that they are living through.

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Keeping you, Mark and Nate in my thoughts today.
With much love and a big hug,
Amanda xxxx
Posted by Blogger Amanda :  April 14, 2009

Thinking of you today.
Posted by Anonymous Hilary :  April 14, 2009

The years pass, but the sadness -- and the love -- remain. Thinking of you & your family.
Posted by Blogger loribeth :  April 14, 2009

I'll never forget when I found you online... it was right after my miscarriage and when you lost baby #2. I have followed you ever since. You are an amazingly courageous woman! Thank you for sharing your story with us throughout the years. Your Ava will be remember in all of our hearts and thoughts today and forever. You and your precious family are loved from all over the world...
Posted by Blogger Beth :  April 14, 2009

I am thinking of you, Mark, Nate and Ava today. Happy Birthday, Ava
Posted by Anonymous Christal :  April 14, 2009

Thinking of you today ~
We released 4 purple balloons for Ava here today ~ I am just about to email you the pictures.
Take care dear friend,
Love and hugs Tabitha XX
Posted by Blogger Tabitha :  April 14, 2009

I am thinking of you in addition to Maddie and Thalon's families today.

Thoughts and hugs to you today, Karla. It's so beautiful and clear here, and I'm sure Ava is with you.
Posted by Blogger Carly :  April 14, 2009

thinking of you today. i love you hon

I found your blog through Tabitha at Twinkle Twinkle. She did a lovely tribute to your darling Ava. I am so sorry for your loss.

Much love from NJ,

Peace to you.
Posted by Anonymous Heather :  April 14, 2009

My comment did'nt work...
My thoughts are with you all on this day and each day as you do forge ahead and yet still keep alive the memories of your Little girl...

Thinking of you and your dear Ava today.
Posted by Blogger Azul :  April 15, 2009

Hi Karla, I found you through Tabitha at Twinkle Twinkle. I'm so sorry for your loss, Tabitha posted a beautiful tribute your sweet Ava! My thoughts are with you & your family!

Love & hugs from Australia,

Tanya xx
Posted by Blogger Tanya :  April 15, 2009

Karla, I thought a lot about you yesterday. Tasmania saw another balloon in the sunset, too. I will upload a picture when I figure out where on earth I hid my camera cord from myself.

Posted by Anonymous Alison :  April 15, 2009

Ava enters thoughts now and again..your story touches me in places I should not know exist, I will be sure to hold my almost taller than me now daughter closer today..and wish with all my heart you could do the same.
Much love to you and Mark.
Posted by Anonymous Shannon :  April 15, 2009

I think about Ava every time I see a new post on your blog. She has forever touched our lives and will never be forgotten.
Posted by Blogger Kristine :  April 17, 2009

I started reading your blog since before Ava, and I remember someone giving me the link, not knowing how much your story and your adventures would change my outlook on people.

I never forget April 14th, and even though Im ohh 10 days late with this comment, Im wishing lots of love and wonderfulness (yes its a word) for you, Mark and wee little Nate.
Posted by Blogger Tachaé :  April 24, 2009

you're tribute to ava video on youtube is the most moving piece of film i have ever watched. i have a 16 month old son and came close to the thought of losing him and cannot even imagine the grief and healing that goes along with burying your child. you are my inspiration to carry on no matter what life brings. have strength knowing that god was just not ready to let his angel AVA out of his sight and BLESSED you guys with the opportunity of knowing, touching, feeling and seeing her. tears and sincerity roll down my face as i type this to you. please know you have friends in areas of the world that you will most likely never come in contact with and we are here for you.


Andi (me! the mommy) & Jaevery (my son)

(from Orlando, FL, USA)
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous :  April 29, 2009

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have a feeling I'll be thinking the same thing four years from now about Thalon.
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous :  May 11, 2009


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