| So What's Next? |
I’ve been getting asked that question a lot lately. The truth? I have no idea.
Whenever I try and imagine life a few days, weeks or months from now my chest gets tight, my breathing becomes difficult and I get the most intense feeling of panic and anxiety.
I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HOME TAKING CARE OF MY BABY!
For a girl who was anal in school, accepted nothing but graduating top of her class and achieving a 4.0 GPA, had a well paying job and promising career (yeah that sounds pretentious, but I’m grieving, I have an excuse to toot my own horn a bit), most people are floored to learn that I fully planned to leave that behind and stay home to raise our children. From the time Mark and I were in high school we knew one of us would be staying home with our kids. Having a stay at home parent was core to our family philosophy.
I never, of course, told my employer that I didn’t plan on returning. Perhaps my reasons are slightly unethical, but hell, I wanted the benefits for the year of maternity leave and I wanted to continue the pension contributions as long as possible. Their pension program is amazing, and my investments are doing much better with them than my measly mutual funds that I have at the bank.
I am still on Maternity Leave right now, although I am not entitled to the full year of benefits. I don’t think I can return to my old job. In fact, I don’t want to. I want a fresh start.
I’ve had a passion since I was a child to someday write and illustrate children’s books. I’ve been considering trying my hand at it, but I can’t help but wonder if that would just feel like cruel punishment. A constant reminder of the child I don’t have with me right now. A constant reminder of all the bedtime stories I am not able to read to Ava (thank goodness I read to my tummy…at least my baby girl got to experience story time, albeit without being to stare in wonderment at the bright pictures...it still kills me that she never opened her eyes…she never did see me…).
I don’t know what the future holds for me. I don’t know what I am going to do with myself.
I do however, know that life is moving on, and putting one foot in front of the other gets a little easier with each passing day. For now, planning a trip to Western Canada will have to suffice. My instinct to “GET AWAY” is grabbing hold tight…and the beautiful Rocky Mountains are calling my name (that and the tanning beds!)
Labels: Grief and Loss, Thinking Out Loud |
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I can't imagine any better therapy than visiting the mountains. I was mesmerized by them in a way that I can't describe. It's was though the rock caled to me and my spirit to it.
hi! i'm so glad you're back. i've been praying for you all. xok8
Ava never opened her eyes. That's so sad.
Litte Ava might not of opened her eyes to see you, but she felt your love and your warm touch been skin to skin while you held her. And not to forget the warmth,love and kisses from her daddy.
Getting away sounds like a great idea. How long do you get off on Maternity?
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Anvilcloud : May 13, 2005 
