| The Good Old Days |
Sometimes I have a hard time figuring out how I've gone from there to here. And by there, I mean a carefree twenty something woman with nothing better to do then spend an hour on her hair every morning before stuffing her feet into uncomfortable pointy toed shoes and going to work and then spending $500 on clothes over lunch hour and drinking and partying away the weekend.
And by here, I mean a haggard housewife who only sometimes brushes her hair and lives in hoodies and yoga pants and fuzzy red slippers.
I just turned 29. Mark is 30. We’ve been together as a couple for over half of our lives. Every night, I sleep beside my best friend. We’re thisclose to a lot of things in life, but having more kids isn’t on the list. We’ve talked about it, but we’ve both pretty much agreed that right now isn’t the right time. Actually, to be honest, I don’t know if I have it in me to go through with another pregnancy. After Ava died, and then the subsequent miscarriage, all I could think about was getting pregnant again, but after Nate was born, that unrelenting voice went away. The nag is gone. Totally gone. My body has been pregnant three times, and I just don't know if I have it in me to do it again. I finally feel complete. I feel comfortable.
But then, it started. I began to feel ill all day all the time. And tired. And as those days wore into weeks, I started to feel phantom movements in my stomach. “When was my last period anyway?” I asked Mark the other day. I used to track my cycles in an excel spreadsheet, but promised Mark that I would never do that again after the stress it caused our marriage trying to conceive Ava. And besides, my cycles are so predictable that after over ten years of living together, Mark totally figured out that during those unstable periods of FEMALE PMS, I could so totally just unleash my inner dinosaur named BIOTCH and eat him for dinner.
My very good friends just announced they’re expecting again. I’ve known Rich and Ang for, like, ever. If you haven’t checkout out Rich’s blog yet, you so need to because his daughter Malaia is perhaps one of the most adorable kids on the planet. And Rich is a super awesome guy. And his wife, Ang, lends me her clothes and if wasn’t for her, my wardrobe would be helpless. Ang and I get together every couple of weeks to gossip and eat pizza and laugh at my shrinking mom cleavage. I still don’t get how I’ve went from an average B-cup to a nursing C-cup to a post-breastfeeding ultra mini A-cup, but at least I can drown my sorrows with Ang every other week over chocolate-chip loaded fresh baked banana bread and coffee.
I still laugh whenever I remember the time the four of us, Mark, Rich, Ang and me, went on an evening boat cruise together back in my hometown of Penetanguishene. It was totally a spur on the moment decision made after we all got piss drunk and wasted on a godforsaken number of beer pitchers (observe the bevy of beer just yonder, in the bottom quadrants on this photo, just below me sucking face with my husband-to-be.)
The boat cruise had two options: tickets with dinner and tickets without. And because we were all drunk anyway, we bought the tickets that did not include dinner so we could afford to keep drinking. But then we all got hungry as we watched the wait staff bringing out plates with piping hot grilled steaks. So Ang and I stumbled our way down the kitchen section and told them that they forgot to bring our party one plate of dinner. They apologized profusely and gave us a plate filled with steak and potatoes and salad and then handed us one fork and one knife.
Ang and I returned to our men and there we sat, the four us, drunk and having the time of our lives, passing around ONE fork and sharing our free plate of food. And when it was done, and we were all still hungry, we drew straws, and it was me who picked the short one to go back the kitchen and tell them that I was still hungry.
People. I am 5’ 4” and barely tip the scales in the three digit range. But I followed through, and was then informed to keep my "party" inline because the two mile swim back to shore in the dark would not be fun.
Oh, good timea. And even more good times! But also? Times have changed. Here we are, all grown up, apparently, with kids and mortgages and real life responsibilities. When Ang was pregnant with Malaia, it was the first baby shower I’ve attended since Ava died. I spent the entire time holding back tears but I wanted to go because Ang’s friendship means the world to me and I didn’t want to let her down. And now her and Rich are expecting their second child and I couldn’t be happier for them.
I just wish this recent pregnancy test didn’t make my uterus ache. I thought I'd made up my mind? Not that I wouldn't have been happy, just, you know, I’m not 100% ready. I’m unsure. At least for the time being. For now. I think?
 Labels: Thinking Out Loud |
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Karla ~ I know that feeling and I somehow wonder how I got from 'there' to 'here' too!!
I can't deny that I had to look twice at the pregnancy test to work out whether it was negative or positive (it has been almost 7 years since I did one of those ha ha !!). I am sure that there will be a right time for you to decide to have another baby (or not!!)
Love and hugs XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
When you are ready again you will know. Maybe it will just happen and then it was meant to be.
It is great to have good friends like Ang and Rich.
I feel you 100%! I have not made up my mind completely that I am done having kids. However, I am VERY sure that I am done for now. These three have to get big enough to take care of themselves some before the thought will even cross my mind.
Therefore, when I was feeling sick to my stomach at night (in those morning sickness ways) a couple of weeks ago, not one happy thought came to mind when I feared pregnancy. When I found out it was no more than an ulcer, I was ecstatic! Yeah, who knew an ulcer could make me so happy.
Even without having suffered the immeasurable loss of a child? Even being 99.9% certain that I'm done after two? A negative pregnancy test brings every conflicting emotion to the surface. So I can only imagine how tangled you might get. And I'll agree, the road from there to here is very short! Blessings and peace to you.
I guess it's just another knot to untangle, huh? And, if anyone can do that, it's you.
Just for the record: I read this post on the edge of my seat.
Man Karla, you had me scrolling to the bottom of the post because I knew what was coming.....
Anyway, I don't totally know what you are going through, but I can somewhat relate to your most recent test. I have two healthy boys and my husband says no more. It is me that isn't there yet. If I said I was, he would be at the doctor tomorrow for the big V. While I'm not ready to say no more, I'm also not feeling now is the right time for another. I developed gestational diabetes with my first and when he turned one, I was diagnosed with type II diabetes. So, with son #2, I had even more appointments, etc. than I had the first time around. I'm trying to get healthy and I don't feel it is the right time to be pregnant. However, when I realized I was on day 32 and I am a 28 day kind of gal, my heart skipped a beat. I took 3 tests and they were all negative. Funny how sometimes when you think you don't want something the thought of having makes you think it might not be so bad. Anyway, day 35 rolled around and I finally started.
Ha! I'll bet that one plate of food tasted amazing. You guys are adorable in those pics.
You guys will know when and if you want more kids. I think it's normal to feel relieved and disappointed at the same time over such a big life-change possibility.
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Tuesday, October 07, 2008
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Tabitha : October 07, 2008 
