untanglingknots.com: Saucy

by Karla ° Friday, October 20, 2006

This weekend my husband and I are going to The Everything to Do with Sex Show. I’m sure I’ll fit right in because nothing screams I am a sexual being better than walking around in an engorged knocked up state with a stomach the size of a first prize harvest festival pumpkin.

Pregnancy is (apparently) supposed to be one of the sauciest and sexiest times of a woman’s life. I have yet to meet a woman who agrees.

The only hot and heavy action going on in my body right now is a rise in body temperature and the growth of fat cells on a tiny human and my hips. My moaning and groaning is mainly due to backaches and the extent of any erotic swelling is focused solely on my feet, which would be great if my husband had a foot fetish, but he doesn’t, so it’s not sexy in the least.

My frequent grunting might sound more come-hither if it wasn’t in the context of trying to put on socks, and the constant state of breathlessness that I am in is because my lungs are pinned up somewhere against my esophagus and have the air volume capacity of a pin head. Although it sounds like I am always panting, the only thing I am screaming for more of is air.

You would think my diligent use of cocoa butter on my stomach to prevent stretch marks would be slightly erotic if I let my husband rub it on me, but I’m ticklish, so it’s kind of feels like he’s greasing up a pork loin that giggles and smells like a seed from the pod of a Theobroma tree mixed with wax and Yellow 5.

And who calls pregnant people saucy anyways? Sauce is something you put on food, which I constantly crave and eat a lot of. When I think of saucy, I think of alfredo and noodles, not sex.

That being said, it’s highly likely that there will come a day when I feel human again and actually want to grope my husband, so burgeoning belly or not, I’m curious to know what’s happening in the world of sex, so you know, I can be a better groper.

I hear Rubberella’s latex bondage balloon and kitty stage act is a hit and who doesn't want to see the choreographed dance and martial arts moves of Sexicana?

Like the prude that I am, however, I’ll be sure to skip the breakfast Strap-on Fun seminar and 3:30 talk on receiving it in the rear.

Labels: Comic Relief, Pregnancy

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Comments:

You should totally get your body airbrushed!

Posted by Unknown : October 20, 2006

I'm with Julia! Airbrushed baby belly how cute and sexy!! Sounds like the "sex show" will be interesting to say the least! Enjoy!!

Posted by Anonymous : October 20, 2006

We lived in a sexual wasteland once the third trimester hit. And now, 3 months postpartim, it's still not anywhere close to what it had been. I'm hoping that once I'm done nursing things will feel more normal "down there" again and I go back to my womanly ways in the bedroom. :) Have fun at the sex show!

Posted by Anonymous : October 20, 2006

But... haven't you been having those really erotic sex dreams yet? I had the kinkiest dreams when I was pregnant - with all those hormones rushing around my body. Unfortunately for Marcel, though, the dreams didn't increase my libido.

Posted by Heather Plett : October 20, 2006

I had high blood pressure during my pregnancy, and so Hubba-hubba didn't want to "do it" for fear that he would raise my BP too high.

I felt like saying, your're great hon, but I don't know if you're that good! ;)

Posted by Gina : October 20, 2006

Something tells me that, living here in the Holy City of the deep South, that program will never, ever be travelling this way. Dammit!

Posted by Christi : October 20, 2006

I would LOVE to go to a show like that :-) I'd even go to the 3:30 showing of takin' it in the rear!!

haha, glad you're enjoying pregnancy :-)

Posted by Anonymous : October 20, 2006

OH Karla! you are funny! :) enjoy!

Posted by Kathy Trejo : October 20, 2006

But what about the Super Sex Freak Side Show? Won't want to miss THAT one! I can't wait to hear your "review" of the show.

Posted by Anonymous : October 21, 2006

I have always been curious about such events.. but have never been brave enough to go to one myself. Be sure to take notes.. even just mental ones... I want details. :-)

Posted by Anonymous : October 21, 2006

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