Blog Friends, Births and Birthdays
by Karla ° Monday, September 25, 2006
This weekend arrived, came and went with a cyclone force that’s left my six and half month state of pregnant rotundity feeling haggard and a weary.

Early Friday morning we were awakened to the sound of the phone ringing. Instinctively I knew the early morning wake up call was news announcing the arrival of Mark’s Sister-in-Law’s baby. With shameful sordidness and selfishness, I buried my head under the covers and remained in my safe shell of blankets and disgusting pouty selfishness that other people can birth babies that survive longer than seven hours outside the confines of their uterine abode while Mark received the gleeful news of baby Clark’s arrival.

On Friday night, with much excitement and a sleep deprived purple twinge of bleariness under my eyes, I dined with Kristin from
Debaucherous and Dishevelled. Every bit as charming and witty in person, her effortless charisma and eloquence made for a great evening of blogging camaraderie. As an added bonus, I got to meet a blogger I did not know, Ashley from Looking out the Window, who is so incredibly sweet and darling and has a fashion sense that put me to shame with her dazzling earrings and adorable shoes.

Saturday, Mark and I headed to our hometown of Penetanguishene to lunch with mom. My dad planned a surprise party for her 50th birthday, but unfortunately, my anal state of pregnancy protectiveness kicked in and I didn’t go because there would be people smoking and too many studies have proven time and time again the harmful effects of smoke (even second hand smoke) on babies and their development all the way into toddlerhood.

Later in the afternoon we visited baby Clark. As graceful as possible, I avoided holding him and distracted away tears and (hopefully) any offense taken by excitedly talking to his mom about her birth, the great drugs she was on, and how wickedly swollen the human body gets after a c-section.

Sunday was officially the birthday of both my mom and me. I turned 27 yesterday, and even though my mom turned 50, I swear up, down, left right and center that although she may be chronologically older than me, her biological age is that of a free spirit teeny bopper not afraid to dance on tables, sing off key karaoke and pass the afternoons away shaking booty and swinging her hips to the latest hip hop vibes. Like the old maid that I am, I spent my birthday enrolling the mucking futt in more training classes, walking four miles on the treadmill, and making a health conscious birthday pizza with whole wheat crust sprinkled with baby building protein packed wheat germ.

I’ve spent a lot of time this weekend pondering the shameless jealousy I am feeling surrounding Clark’s birth. I do not understand why I remain so hurt and cautiously guarded of my emotions over a new bundle of joy that remains so entirely innocent and purely free of pain and sadness. He deserves nothing but genuine wholehearted happiness surrounding him and welcoming him into this world, but my heart remains so gingerly delicate and fragile and I’m afraid it will shatter into a million little pieces if I don’t build barriers around it. The last baby I held took her last breath in my arms and I can’t help but feel emotionally overwhelmed as thoughts of Ava’s final minutes swirl frantically in my mind.

For reasons I do not understand, my mind is set making sure the next baby I hold is my own.

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I totally understand where you are at. Sometimes it I need to hold a baby and smell it's head. Other times I can barely stand them in my peripheral vision. Depends on where you are with grief at that moment I think.

I understand too, Karla. Wallow. You heart might need it.

Also: you are so lovely and graceful you put me to loud gawky shame.

And yes, go ahead and post the pics if you like, they are yours!

Loved meeting you.
Posted by Anonymous Kristin :  September 25, 2006

Happy birthday.

Your emotions are completely valid. I had a hard time looking at babies after Matthew died too.
Posted by Blogger Heather :  September 25, 2006

I'm trying to picture tiny little you and super-tall Kristin standing together. Too cute!

You will be holding your very own baby soon enough...and it will all be worth it.
Posted by Blogger Christi :  September 25, 2006

Happy Birthday!! I thought that you looked young but I didn't want to be rude and ask your age :S

It was great meeting you and I can't wait to 'see' the day when you are able to hold your own sweet baby.
Posted by Blogger Ashley :  September 25, 2006

I suspect these feelings of jealousy will dissapear when you have a beautiful, happy baby of your own. I'm so sorry for your loss, and am wishing you a healthy baby this time, and an easy labor.

My grandmother used to be a daring, adventurous, dance on the table type person...then she lost her son and her husband in quick succession. Though she still had her two other children to comfort her, my mom said she was never the same, always much more careful. Like she had lost the wind from her sails. I can understand how these tragedies can do this to people.

Good luck, and bless you.
Posted by Blogger J :  September 25, 2006

I just found your blog via Kristin and spent the weekend poring over your archives. My heart broke for you and the loss of sweet Ava. You are beautiful and great writer.
Posted by Anonymous Amanda :  September 25, 2006

I am so jealous you got to meet Kristin. She is so fabulous!

I am so sorry Karla you are having a hard time with baby clarks arrival but you will have a beautiful boy of your own in a couple of months and then your mindset can change. For now be cautious, guard your heart, there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling!
Posted by Blogger TBG :  September 25, 2006

Happy Happy Birthday, my friend!

I can totally understand your feeling that the next baby you want to hold being your own. I don't think there is any shame in it at all.

And in my comments, you let a name out, is that the one you've decided on?
Posted by Blogger Gina :  September 25, 2006

One more thing that I remembered while walking to class earlier today. Your comment on me being fashionable was almost laughable but incredibly sweet. I am very much an unfashionable person and I put my roommates to shame. But, my one roommate helped me pick my outfit at the mall then laid out some jewellery for me to wear and even did my makeup!
You know, just for the record :p
Posted by Blogger Ashley :  September 25, 2006

great post as always......totally understandable about the holding the baby
Posted by Blogger rachael :  September 25, 2006

Happy Birthday!

Karla, I agree with everyone that your reasons for being protective of your emotions is valid. I really hope family can understand. I really hope they do. Your little guy will be her before you know it. You have so many people praying, hoping and cheering you on.

It is really cool you have gotten to meet some bloggin buddies. I wonder if I will ever meet any!!
Posted by Blogger Donna :  September 25, 2006

Ah well, we're all human and a swell of conflicting thoughts and emotions. You're surviving your pain as best you can, and you intuitively know what the best way for you is. Or so I think, but it's late, and I probably didn't make an ounce of sense just now.

Happy Birthday!!
The way that you feel is completely understandable. It is only natural that you want to protect yourself as well as your emotions.

I have a very close friend who is going through the same thing right now. She lost her baby at 27 weeks and is now in her 27th week of pregnancy. She also has a hard time with new babies, so don't feel that you are being selfish... the way you are feeling is completely normal.

You will hold that little baby boy of yours soon and that will take some of this pain away from you.
I can't wait to hear about his birth, what you name him, how much he weighs and all the adorable baby "things" he does to make you smile.

Posted by Blogger Melanie :  September 26, 2006

You sweet, sweet thing, everything will be ok. It will.
Posted by Blogger Finelly :  September 27, 2006

Happy Birthday Karla!

Your apprehension with the baby is completely understandable. I am sure that when you hold your own baby boy and get to feel that love without having it mixed with sadness, you will be able to breathe easier. Til then, I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best.
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous :  September 27, 2006

well.. it's like I said!
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous :  December 12, 2009


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