| Lessons in Neglect |
Last Friday was supposed to be all about me. Mark had valiantly volunteered unending massages and foot rubs - and with a sly wink, some hanky panky if I was to be so lucky.
Anticipating some serious pampering, I squeezed my butt into the sexiest unmentionables I could find. Although my well stocked lingerie collection doesn’t exactly fit anymore now that my hips and ass are wider after giving birth and I am now five months pregnant again, I’ve convinced my husband the extra ass cheek flesh that dangles precariously on either side of the constricted fabric is a purposeful attempt to put the booty on display.
While loving the lavishing attention I was receiving, the dog rang his potty bell. He never rings his potty bell. He’ll stand there like a tree trunk at the door and if no one lets him out, unleash Lake Samson all over the floor. Considering his love of snorkling in the toilet bowl, his urinary lake building capabilities are quite impressive – as long as he's outside when the damn breaks. Teaching him to tell us when he’s ready to burst however, is a whole other story. In short, there’s a potty bell by the door that I have been trying to teach him to ring.
 The problem with the potty bell is that he just doesn’t seem to get it. His eyes cross and he stares at me like an impaired ferret with a side swept tongue dangling out of his goofy chops when I twist his head from side to side forcing him to ring the bell with his nuzzle. To show me how subnormal his understanding and intellect is, he responds to my attempt at jingle inducing head wiggles by burying his furry noggin’ in my crotch. Needless to say, I have become lazy and somewhat given up on the potty bell.
Anyhow, there we were, just my Mark and me, and I was getting all the attention in the world that I could want. I was in a blissful place where foot and scalp massages reigned on princess me and the last thing I wanted to do was come back to reality and let the dog out to potty.
But then the bell rang again, and we ignored him. Finally, by the third ring, the sinking feeling of what we may find at the bottom of the stairs set in, and my brave and heroic husband went to investigate the damage.
Oh and was there ever damage. The pooch let the waters of Lake Samson spew forth like a violent Niagara on my kitchen floor, which was followed by an explosive trail of violent ass diarrhea.
I suppose my lessons here are three fold. For starters, the penetrative ability for intelligence to enter my dogs brain is like fort knocks, but there is a flicker of hope for him yet.
Secondly, from this point forward I should relinquish the thought that anything will ever be all about selfish little me anymore – especially with a baby on the way.
And thirdly, the fact that my husband shared in the cleaning duties of my dogs back door trots while still finding me mopping up pee in underthings tight enough to give my ass cheeks their own set of distended cleavage worthy enough to warrant a whistle, makes him the most outstanding man on the planet.Labels: It's All About Me, Mark, Pregnancy, Samson |
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A potty bell? That's a neat idea. Puppy just gave me a look and ran back and forth between me and the back door. The bell is a cuter idea.
Yes, I'd like to know when it reverts back to being about me again. Don't tell me I have to wait another fifteen years or so!
LOL! I love the way you tell stories.
Well hopefully your adorable pup, will continue to use the potty bell (such a cute idea), even though you ignored him!! And your right...it is always at the worst times, especially with kids.
Doggy door - let him let himself out.
Nothing like a little au de doggie to really set the mood, huh?
hahahahahahaha he has a bell!!! hahahaha cool! funny story
LOL. Instead of trying to teach the dog to ring a bell wouldn't it be easier to teach him how to mop up his messes..
Speechless.
Finally, he gets it...and now you don't!
Yeah, don't do the doggy door thing. In no time flat you won't just be chasing a dog out of it!
LOL... I'm sorry. I really am. But of course I found humor in it as well. (Our big dog Jack used to nudge the doorknob with his nose to 'rattle' it much like your bell).
But think of it this way... this was just a trial as this sort of thing is bound to happen in 2 years with a little 'someone' interupting that special Mommy/Daddy time - and if you are in the middle of potty training, it could have the same results. ;)
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Thursday, August 24, 2006
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