Bubs due date
by Karla ° Friday, October 27, 2006
This Sunday would have been Bubs due date.

I don’t talk about my miscarriage a lot. It’s not because I don’t want to face the pain or because I find it uncomfortable to talk about, it’s because I’m afraid to come across as a dreadfully insensitive human being when I say it’s a totally different experience than losing full term newborn.

I do grieve Bubs loss. There was a life inside of me and although it was short lived, it still hurts knowing it failed. Only, it’s a different sort of hurt.

I never met the baby I miscarried. Unlike my experience with Ava, I never felt their soft warmth against my chest, never stroked the smooth innocence of their cheeks, never had a chance to sing them a lullaby, was never able to gaze in awe at their cherubium angelic face, caress a tiny foot or run my fingers through ringlets of feathery fine hair.

Losing Ava crippled me with bittersweet sadness and anger. I was bitter she never opened her eyes, I was bitter that as new parents we were forced to make the decision to take her off life support, I was bitter she never cried, I was bitter that my breasts were full of milk and I had no baby to nurse, I was bitter that my body went into labour so hard and fast that Ava wasn’t able to cope, I was bitter for the c-section, I was bitter I was put under a general anesthesia, I was bitter that my body failed Ava and I was bitter that the universe failed me in a way that I have never fully been able to understand.

When the miscarriage happened, I just didn’t have the same intensity of experiences to draw upon to be bitter and sad about. It’s not that it didn’t hurt; it hurt a lot, it was just a different kind of wound that required a different kind of healing.

I remember when the anniversary of Ava’s birth was approaching and how difficult that was. Not only were we mourning her loss, but also in the back of my mind, there was the loss of our second baby too.

I think as Bubs due date approaches that maybe, just maybe, the reason all this wretchedness feels bearable is because I am pregnant again, and the hopeful anticipation of meeting this baby has helped lift the despair lurking in the shadowy corners of my spirit.

How ironic that the life inside of me helps me endure through this process we call living.

For that, I am thankful.

Farewell and safe landings Bubs.

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Comments:


I totally understand what you are saying. I miscarried in March last year, and ended up pregnant 5 months later. I was very saddened by the loss of that baby, but was unable to really focus on it. It was very early in my pregnancy when it happened. I never got to get used to the idea of a new baby, never got to hold or to meet that baby. It is a completely different kind of mourning, and for me, did not last long. Not because I did not care about the baby I lost, but because I did not get to form that bond I did with my other two throughout nine months of pregnancy.

I still think about the one I lost, and wonder what he or she would have been like now, and what we would all be doing. I feel like, if not for that loss, my daughter would not be here though, so I have to make peace with the fact that it happened for a reason.

It still sucks though.
Posted by Blogger Deborah :  October 27, 2006
 

I can see how the experiences would be different. And thus require a different process.

((Karla))
Posted by Blogger Gina :  October 27, 2006
 

Totally understandable. 3rd times the charm right!!
Posted by Anonymous Donna :  October 27, 2006
 

Karla,

Even though I haven't been in your shoes, not even close. I do understand how those feelings/emotions of loosing baby Ava can be very much different then that of the miscarriage. I also understand how the healing process would have to be different. I find you to be incrediably strong for all that you have endured. You are an inspiration to me!

Hugs, Beth
Posted by Blogger Beth :  October 27, 2006
 

I've heard tell that almost all child-bearing women miscarry at least once or twice in their lifetimes. Most won't even know as it's so early and they think their period is just a couple weeks late from stress or whatever.

Anyway! What I wanted to say is that I completely support and sympathsize with any woman that loses a full term newborn of even miscarries after about the 7th or 8th month when the baby is so close.

However, I don't understand the women (mostly on message boards) that continue to 'count' the number of children they have - including early miscarriages. They will sign their names; "Karen, mother of 8. 2 living and 6 'angels' in heaven, miscarried at 5 weeks, 9 weeks, 11 weeks, 5 weeks and 10 weeks."

Seriously... people do that.

I miscarried at 9 weeks. I don't dwell on it or think about it much. I certainly don't tell everyone I meet that I'm the mother of "four" - 3 living and 1 miscarried at 9 weeks. That would just be.... weird.

I have read Ava's story and cried along with you while reading it. I know you suffered terribly as you truly lost a child... a daughter... a baby. Much, so much different than a miscarriage.
Posted by Blogger aka_Meritt :  October 27, 2006
 

Having had 3 miscarriages I know the pain of miscarriage. But I don't really mark their due dates with any sort of pomp and circumstance, it really never occurred to me. In fact, I can't really remember all of them. I can't imagine what your loss has been like losing your baby, Ava. Yes, that is definitely more real. I agree with aka Merritt that it's weird that women mourn the loss of a miscarriage at 7 or 8 weeks. My goodness, losing a newborn baby is harder by far. That is real pain. And the emotions you will feel when you give birth to this baby will be complex as well, I'm sure. Good luck with working through it. You are a strong person to keep going.
Posted by Blogger Kate :  October 27, 2006
 

I really didn’t want this post to come across as me discounting anyone who has had a miscarriage. That is not what I meant to communicate. The pain is real, and it hurts.

I do count my miscarriage as my second baby because although its life was short, there was still life inside of me, and it was still a horrible, wretched thing to go through.

For me, the pain was just not as intense as it was with Ava, and I can’t possibly compare the two losses after holding her, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t soul crushingly painful for any woman who has endured such a loss or losses. Same for anyone who has suffered with infertility. Each failed cycle to conceive is a loss that needs to be mourned in its own right.

I’m just saying that being pregnant again has given me new hope, and its most likely the glue that is holding me together knowing that this Sunday marks the date I was supposed to be meeting my second baby.
Posted by Blogger Karla :  October 27, 2006
 

I have to agree with what Karla said. Although some may not understand why someone would want to "count" or "regonize" those miscarriages I don't think it is fair to judge those women who choose to do just that. I am one of those women that have struggled with infertility, and if I were to ever FINALLY get pregnant then loose the baby I would be heart broken. I think it is a personal choice that we as women have to make on our own. But I hope it something that I would never be "judged" upon if I choose that route.
Posted by Blogger Beth :  October 27, 2006
 

I understand. The miscarriage after Matthew was hard, but was very different from holding a baby in your arms.

Peace to you.
Posted by Blogger Heather :  October 27, 2006
 

very touching post

I'm thinkin of yah and thanks for the nice comment on my blog!
Posted by Blogger rachael :  October 27, 2006
 

I admire your strength. You're angelic and tough.

I'm thankful for your current pregnancy, as well. It's obvious how much it helps.

<3
Posted by Blogger Blondie :  October 27, 2006
 

Life inspires life. Your tale is so tragic, but so hopeful. I think of you and your growing babe often, Karla, and can't wait for you to meet him.
Posted by Anonymous Amanda :  October 27, 2006
 

I am just in awe of you that you continue to keep trying. You definitely have a strong parental need b/t the two of you, and I know that you are going to be the BEST parents ever! All of your children are so lucky to have been a part of your lives, whether they're here to tell you or not.
Posted by Blogger Christi :  October 27, 2006
 

I definitely agree with what Christi had to say.

I also am a little disheartened by what a few others had to say... I don't think there's ANYTHING wrong with counting the baby you lost as a child... for me, Emilee is my second child... I lost my first when he/she was 8 1/2 weeks. I can't imagine losing a child at or after giving birth, and I'm sure that would feel much different, but I still count baby #1 as someone who had a huge impact on my life. It was probably the most devastating experience I've had to date. Remembering the due date was difficult.

Hugs to you, Karla.... and here's to a happy and healthy few more weeks!!
 

Wow, this has turned into somewhat of a debate on here, probably not what you had intended at all! While I have no personal expierence with miscarriage I can totally understand where you are coming from and like I've said before your story of Ava truly touches my heart and I hope for nothing but the best for you and your unborn child.
amberldean.blogspot.com
Posted by Blogger Amber :  October 28, 2006
 

I can not even begin to imagine the pain you have lived with.. losing two babies, one through miscarriage and then lovely little Ava. My heart screams at the injustice. Yes.. new life, new hope helps to quieten the pain. I am sending good vibes and prayers your way.
Posted by Anonymous Coll :  October 28, 2006
 

Karla: you are amazing and handle things with such grace. (((Hugs))) Kate
Posted by Blogger TBG :  October 29, 2006
 

Karla, I admire your courage and grace in which you articulate the difference in Ava and your miscarriage. Loss is experienced in many ways, depending on the person and the background. Your loss is vastly different than that of anyone else - embrace that! Children leave a lasting impression on our hearts, whether or not they are in our memories or our arms. Footprints on our hearts.

Mom of "four"
Hayley 6
angel in heaven
angel in heaven
Quinn 19 months
Posted by Blogger Michelle :  October 30, 2006
 


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