New Direction
by Karla ° Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I managed to grab the last available seat as I boarded the 7:07 express train to Union Station yesterday. A window seat. Reflections of bleary eyed commuters could be seen in the window. If I shifted my gaze just so, I could see the paleness of the early morning moon burning and a highway engulfed in a sea of red brake lights fighting their way through morning rush hour madness.

Yesterday was my second last doctor’s appointment before Nate is born and it’s hard not to feel the weight of time passing. While sitting on the train I had a moment of overwhelming sadness for Ava and tears began to well in my eyes. I quickly hid my emotions behind feigned sleepiness and an exaggerated yawn.

She would have been 20 months old now, and this would have been her second Christmas. It hurts deeply that she isn’t here to meet her brother and sometimes I worry that meeting Nate will be anticlimactic and less joyful than it should be because I still miss Ava so much. I still yearn to hold her one last time.

I know my love must find a new direction - and it is, but it still hurts knowing she's gone.

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It's only natural your thoughts are going to turn to Ava at this time. I suspect they will do so regularly now. But remember, Nate is not Ava. And the odds of anything remotely bad happening are a kazillion billion trillion to one. Remember to take joy in these last 1-2 weeks of your pregnancy and relish every moment! It's going to go quickly. :)

Don't worry about your feelings for Nate. You will love him instantly and deeply.

I worried through my whole pregnancy with my daughter that I would not be able to love her as much as my son.

When they first put my son Micah in my arms, I could only think he was the most perfect, beautiful baby I had ever seen. I marveled at his every dimple, sigh, and sweet baby smile. I cherished (and can still remember) his sweet baby smell. I was sure I could never love another soul like I love him.

When they placed my daughter Delaney in my arms, all I could think of was how beautiful and perfect she was, but it was different. Such a hard emotion, and situation to explain. I still thought she was one of the most beautiful and perfect babies I had ever seen, went through the same emotions, stroked her sweet plump little cheeks, and loved her just like I love my son, but they were two different little people under two totally different circumstances.

I promise you, it will be just as climactic to you when you first lay eyes on your new son as it was when you first saw Ava. It will just be different. And you will be okay.

You will remember things about Ava's birth that were different, you will compare the two babies, and marvel at their differences and similarities, and you will have the same strong love for little Nate as you did, and still do, for Ava.
Posted by Blogger Deborah :  December 12, 2006

My chest hurts for you. Words of encouragement seem trivial, yet know they are here.

Posted by Anonymous Carly :  December 12, 2006

I agree that it's only natural for your thoughts to turn to Ava with this new birth approaching.
I have no doubt that your heart will fill to bursting wth love for Nate the moment you lay eyes on him. I CAN'T WAIT!!
Posted by Anonymous Amanda :  December 12, 2006

it's expected that Ava is in ur thoughts @ this time especially just before Nate is born

You will always think about Ava and wonder how big she would be now what she would look like......Nate is lucky to have u guys as parents.....b/c u care about Ava so much and U'll care about him just the same

Have a great holiday and I'm excited for U and Mark in this next chapter in ur life :)
Posted by Blogger rachael :  December 12, 2006

Karla, my heart breaks for you. I understand how you are feeling, and I think that it is completely normal at this stage. I only wish you didn't have to go through this pain. If I've said that once, I've said it 798 times.

Everything that was posted above is excatly what I am thinking. I know that your heart will burst with love as soon as that baby is put on your chest, as it did and still does for Ava.

You soon will have two children, two people to love unconditionally. I can't wait to meet Nate.. finally!

I am constantly keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by Blogger Melanie :  December 12, 2006

I don't think your heart will ever heal from the loss of Ava.

Let me just tell you, as my friend was in labor last week, I was almost hyperventilating thinking that yes, she could possibly loose her baby after he has been healthy all along.

But just like everyone else has said, you will love Nate just as much, I think you will hurt from the memories of Ava, but also heal a little more from Nate's birth.

Wow, I cannot believe he will be here so soon. it seems like everyone elses pregnancies go by so fast!

I cannot wait to hear the news, I will be rejoicing all the way here in Ohio!!
Posted by Blogger Donna :  December 12, 2006

Nate will fill your heart in a different way than Ava did. Both of them will continue to hold their places. After giving birth four times, I recognize that there are no bounds to a mother's love. Each child holds their place and it doesn't make the other child's place any smaller.

My thoughts, as always, are with you.
Posted by Blogger Heather :  December 12, 2006

Nate is so blessed to have a mom who has longed so deeply for him, as you did/do for Ava.

I just want to thank you for how well you share your feelings on your blog. It helps even me, and my 'day of painful loss' will be 27 years on the 15th.

A mom never forgets. Ever.

I hope these next few days are bathed in peace. Then, let the noise and mayhem begin!!!

Judy - Anybody Home
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous :  December 12, 2006

Nate will fill the space within your heart that is made just especially for him. Enjoy your last time with your "bump" and continue to find your strength and peace through your journey.
Posted by Blogger Michelle :  December 12, 2006

I absolutely cannot imagine how difficult all this must be for you. The amount of mixed emotions that you are collection daily must truly be overwhelming. Thank youf or sharing all your deepest thoughts. It truly helps keep things in life in perspective.

And I know you will love Nate and be reminded of Ava all in the same instant once Nate is born. I'm sure it will most definitely be a blessed and unforgettable moment for you.
Posted by Blogger Kate :  December 12, 2006


I don't think there is anything I can say that hasn't already been said. You have been in my thoughts daily since I first happened upon your blog and you will contuie to be in my thoughts as the days draw closer to Nate's arrival. I have no doubt in my mind that you are going to love Nate more then life it's self and you are going to be the best mom any little boy can hope for! I believe this with all of my heart!!

Lots of love coming your way...

My heart continues to ache for you, I can't imagine what you are going through. I want so bad for you to have Nate in your arms to feel that love again. I know it must be the hardest thing to wonder about what Ava would be like at the age she would be. My prayers are always with you!
Posted by Blogger Amber :  December 12, 2006

I have 3 kids and I love them the same. It's just how life works..

I am Donna's friend from Ohio that was in labor last week. I have been reading your blog for months now and want you to know that you are in my thoughts daily. You have people all over North America praying for you and your little Nate. I suffered a miscarriage around the time you did however I cannot say that I will ever understand what you have went through with Ava. I have shed many a tear reading your story. I will be praying that God will give you strength and comfort during this time and that Baby Nate will be strong and healthy!!

Posted by Anonymous Beth :  December 12, 2006

The words I seek are just out of reach. Like so many before have said, my heart aches for you, but in the ache there is such joy and promise. The experience of meeting Nate outside of your body will be so precious and so unike anything you have known. It will not be the same as Ava. Nothing could, nor could anything be like meeting Nate. I envy you the weeks ahead as you fall rapturously in love with Nate and the new composition of your family. I hope and believe that your ability to love Nate as you have mourned not being able to love Ava, will be the realization of 20 months of what could have been. Try to forgive yourself your guilt and saddness. Your strength, your grace and your fierce and enduring love will be a blessing for your family, on earth and beyond. I wish you so much joy, luck, health and laughter. I can't wait to hear you stories!
Posted by Blogger Amanda :  December 12, 2006

You will always love and miss Ava but you will have a love for Nate that will be a different love. They say you just have more love each baby you have. I know people say they dont know how they can love their second baby as much as their first becuase they have so much for their first but they always do. Love is an amazing thing!

Wow I can not believe Ava would be 20 months. I can not believe I have known you for 20 months. Wow Karla I am so glad I met you. You are fabulous and I can wait to see pictures of you and your sweet son!

I am thinking about you in these last few weeks. Please let me know if you need anything.
Posted by Blogger TBG :  December 12, 2006

I don't think the birth of Nate could be anything but joyous and wondrous. I don't think the loss of Ava will make his arrival anticlimactic in any way, although I can see how you would feel that way.

There are so many people pulling for you, my dear.

As I said in an earlier comment, enjoy these last precious weeks of silence, they will be the last ones you hear in a long time.

The juju flows as strong as ever, BTW. ;)
Posted by Blogger Gina :  December 12, 2006

It just breaks my heart that you've had to go through all of that. I'm sure that when Nate is born, your heart will be filled with love for him, just the way it was with Ava. And I think it's okay to hold on to those feelings for her. It won't change the love you have for Nate, but you will still be able to have something of her and that's special.

How awesome are all of you?

Thank you for your kind thoughts and wisdom. It means the world to me, it really does.
Posted by Blogger Karla :  December 13, 2006

I remember so very clearly giving birth to my daughter after losing my son 2 years previously. There was just as much joy in seeing and greeting her as there had been for him, if not more because I was so aware what a miracle she was, to be here and healthy. My heart grabbed her so fiercely with a love that was *determined* not to lose this one!! The sadness and grief only came back when the woman in the bed opposite with her new baby girl had a visit from her 2-year old son ..... and then I fell apart. So it was a rollercoaster, yes, but the joy and love I have felt with my daughter (and subsequently her little sister) have shone just as strongly and brightly as it did for him.
Posted by Blogger Joanna :  December 13, 2006

Remember that overwhelming feeling of love you felt when you first saw and held her? It's the same for every kid. You can't help but be in awe and totally love stricken over your own child, no matter what the past has held for you.
Posted by Blogger Christi :  December 14, 2006

That just broke my heart about Ava. I'm 28 weeks with my 1st baby boy and I found out 4 days ago that he won't survive after birth. I just happened on the site from Mom's Daily Dose today and saw that you're about to give birth to your boy and want to say Congratulations.
Posted by Anonymous Julie :  December 22, 2006


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