| Was it enough? |
Here is a true testament to how quickly my emotional state can shift. Just this morning I was joking about stuffing my body into a pair of my favorite jeans while trying to loose the baby weight, and not long after that post my mood has shifted to pure, unequivocal anger.
It truly is frightening how fast and strong your emotions can shift and change and overcome you. I was just sitting here thinking about Ava and admiring her beautiful little face when I started to feel the ever familiar sense of anger boiling from within.
I started to get angry about how I was introduced to my baby girl and the decision my husband and I had to make only seconds after she was placed in my arms.
We had to make the call to pull our baby girl off of life support.
She couldn’t survive for an extended period of time with it, and she could not survive without it.
I’m still haunted by this decision. I know it was the only decision to make, but it haunts me nonetheless. I remember when the pediatrician explained to us that we had to give them permission to remove the breathing tube I immediately felt myself being removed from my body. The movie camera of my life slowly started to back away for the long shot to capture the dramatic moment of truth. I turned to my husband and said, “Does that mean what I think it means?” He turned and looked at me with the most horrified and saddened eyes I have ever seen. His eyes said it all. We had to muster up the strength within to speak the most unfathomable words we would ever speak. A bleak “ok” escaped my husbands quivering lips. Only seconds after meeting our baby we had to come to grips with the fact that she was going to die in our arms.
This is a picture the hospital staff took of us. They captured a tender moment where my husband is about to kiss me. Gentle kisses and soft touches were all we could do as we tried to come to grips with what was about to happen.
A nurse told my husband that she was surprised that we didn’t scream and freak out, but that we just held and kissed each other. Of course we just held each other! We had so little time with our daughter, and so little time to hold her that it wasn’t worth wasting those precious moments freaking out. We didn’t want her time with us to be consumed with screams and fear. There was plenty of time for that later.
When later did arrive, and we let it all out, it hit hard. I arrived home from the hospital and I just screamed for Ava until I was blue in the face, my throat was raw and I collapsed to floor exhausted and defeated.
Through all the torment, screaming and pain that we are still sorting through, I’m thankful for one thing. I’m thankful that even though her time with us was short, we managed to give and show her as much love as we could. As far as she knows, love, hugs, gentle touches and kisses were what life was all about. Her purpose was to spend nine long months inside my womb to experience the gentle love and touch of her parents. In her eyes, that’s all she ever knew and I just hope that is enough.Labels: Grief and Loss, In Memory of Ava, Thinking Out Loud |
Permanent link to this entry
|
|
|
|
|
Anger is part of the grieving process and (IMO) the most important.
I'd like to recommend the book, "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" I belive you'll find it pertinent and helpful.
Love you ;)
In tears again...
It was enough. You did the very best thing you could given the situation. I am so proud of you that you were mature enough to give her what she needed. Love, hugs, kisses, and tender touch. She was such a lucky girl.
I don't know if you want me to ask questions, or if I'm being intrusive. Did you get to breastfeed her? You don't have to answer if you don't want.
You keep making me gulp, and I want to tell you to stop doing that, but I really want to tell you to go ahead and say what you have to say. You have to say it; you must say it.
The best you can, done with love is always enough.
Your heart was in the right place and you did what was best for Ava even though it tore your heart out. It was enough dear friend.
Love, hugs and tears. Cuppa
I am so sorry for what you have to go through, but you are right about Ava only knowing love in her life that is a great thing. I wish I could take your pain away.
((((karla)))) no parent should ever have to make that decision. you guys are strong- i guess you do what you have to do in the situation.
Thanks for all the nice words everyone!
I will definetely make a trip to Chapters for that book Wash Lady. Thank you kindly for the recommendation.
Julia...no worries about asking questions. So many people have so many questions right now (me included...we still are awaiting autopspy results).
I didn't get to breastfeed Ava. I still wake up from my sleep in a panic that my baby is hungry and I should go and feed her...that's really tough. I don't know why I crave BF'ing her so much...I'm so sad I never got to.
It was in you to breastfeed her and your body is still telling you that you need to. That has got to be so hard for you. I can't begin to imagine what that must be like for you. WHen I had my son I wanted to breastfeed him so bad and I tried and tried but he was so little and couldn't grab on. I wish I would have been able to BF. I pumped instead.
And the feeling happy one minute and sad the next is a normal thing. I'm just glad that you can write about it. You have so many people who can learn you to and maybe help you with your feeling.
I found your site through curlytrouble. My heart goes out to you and I will definitely add you to my prayers. She was a beautiful baby.
If all of time could stop and rewrite itself, and I had the power to make anything different, I would do everything I could to give you a lifetime with Ava here on earth with you. Much love to you.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Recently
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Monday, May 16, 2005
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Friday, May 13, 2005
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Sunday, May 01, 2005
|
|
|
|
Dora : May 18, 2005 
