Naughty Pregnant Woman
by Karla ° Thursday, August 10, 2006
Some days it feels like I am living in my own solitary confinement while I gestate this baby to term. My body is no longer my own and, truth be told, I miss sitting outside in the summer pounding back stella’s. I’m only human.

There are about a billion pregnancy No-No’s out there, and with each and every no-no you can find a source that say’s it ok, and a source that say’s it’s not. It’s all so confusing, but still, I would never paint. Hell, I wouldn’t even be around fumes after I ovulated. I still use my microwave, but practically run out of the way once I hit the start button. I don’t pump my own gas, I won’t visit my parents if they smoke in the house, kitty litter duty has been officially relinquished to my husband, under no circumstances do I garden or even weed my gardens, I wear gloves when cleaning the bathroom. I even refuse to take Tylenol. And despite my hate for swallowing vitamins, I have been on prenatals since 2003 when we started trying for kids because neural tube defects happen in the first precious few weeks of life and folic acid is a B vitamin complex that requires constant replenishing.

Even after all that, I’ve come to realize that I am not a total martyr, and probably the biggest hypocrite when it comes to portraying the Disney book rendition of pregnancy perfection. Come your third pregnancy (with no living children to show for it), you start to realize that so much is out of your control and small slips of gestating perfection are not the end of the world.

In any case, to cleanse my dirty dirty deeds, I have decided to confess.

Bless me oh omnipotent pregnancy police, for I have been a naughty naughty knocked up woman.

* Sometimes I sleep on my back
* I lift our monster of a vacuum
* I don’t eat meat
* I drink half a mug of coffee a day
* I take warm baths
* I use the eating for two excuse when my food consumption becomes embarrassing
* I don’t feel guilty about being a lazy ass
* I’ve eaten feta cheese, three times
* When I want a treat I pull out my pregnancy card and whine until my husband runs to the store to get it for me
* I make my husband lay on the dogs couch (and the dog on the floor – gasp!) claiming I need to keep my legs elevated to avoid tree trunk ankle swelling
* I have consumed diet drinks with aspartame.
* I’ve sat in the sun (but trust me, my folic acid is not depleted. Practically everything I eat is oozing folic acid)
* After a lengthy discussion with my OB about my concerns
she actually came out and told me it’s ok to dye my hair, even though I hadn’t even mentioned it (yes at 26 my gray’s are THAT bad and THAT obvious). - I dyed my hair. The shampoo had aloe in it. Shock! Gasp! I know!
* Vegetables are making me gag
* I think Kraft Dinner tastes heavenly.
* I beg my husband for back rubs 7 out of the 7 days in a week.
* I hate milk, but force down yogurt
* Even though I’m pregnant, I still hate the idea of gaining weight.

I feel so much better now that I have come clean. I deserve a spanking and a cookie.


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hey! :) just dropping by. fun read on your pregnancy. damn. i wish im not pregnant! :)
Posted by Blogger Tiara :  August 10, 2006

That was great Karla! Girl you need to post more you have such a way with words!

Enjoy your pregnancy and dont worry about some of those rules they are just ridiculous. Imagine the stuff they did when they were pregnant with us. Heck we are doing a million times better than back then!
Posted by Blogger TBG :  August 10, 2006

Giggle this post was good and funny I love it :)
Posted by Blogger Irene S :  August 10, 2006

I am SO going to pregnancy hell. Believe me, you are a saint compared to the so-called rules I've broken. I've never even heard of half the stuff you have on there.
Posted by Blogger Christi :  August 10, 2006

At least your picking the minor offenses.

Look at the women who smoke, drink alcohol, do drugs, drink pop 24/7, gosh what else....You are doing fine=)

Iguess it does feel good to let it out that way you don't find it bottled up inside...becasue ther isn' gonna be much room pretty soon=)
Posted by Blogger Donna :  August 10, 2006

Man, I slept as long on my back as humanly possible. Now, though, I prefer sleeping on my side, which didn't used to be the case pre-pregnancy.
Posted by Blogger Gina :  August 10, 2006

Some women smoke crack and drink during pregnancy and some how give birth to a healthy baby.

I think we can overlook the coffee and hair dye. Goes to show we have little if any control in what happens.

Who says the sun is bad? I can't imagine being cooped is healthy?!
Posted by Blogger Supervisor :  August 10, 2006

I didn't know 90% of those were bad!

We had to paint when Andrew was pregnant, and Richard and I had an argument about me not helping. Also he refused to fill up my car for me. He didn't believe I shouldn't be around that. Grrr.. It has been eight years. Maybe I should forgive him. ?

I used to eat so much that my jaws would sometimes get tired of chewing but I was still hungry. I hear you on begging for back runbs. Foot rubs too.

I think the only thing on your list I was not guilty of was dying my hair because I didn't need it at 20 and 22 years old and consuming asparatame. It helps that I think it tastes nasty. Oh, and the coffee, but I've never liked it. Half a cup a day sounds insignificant to me.

They told me Andrew was too big to be carrying around when I was pregnant for Alison, but I was accustomed to his 40 pounds of bulk clinging to me most of the time, so I kept at it. What's wrong with warm baths and sitting in the sun? I had no idea i was so ignorant!
Posted by Blogger Julia :  August 10, 2006

My gosh - you've found some "rules" I hadn't even heard about when I was pregnant! Yeesh, they do make it complicated.

I figure some of those rules just add more stress, and so you're better off breaking them, 'cause stress is bad for you too! (Yes, I know how to find justification in my favour. :-)
Posted by Blogger Heather :  August 10, 2006

I am shocked and appalled at your using your pregnancy to get your husband to do extra stuff for you. Shame, shame, ha,ha..

whats wrong with feta cheese? poor girl. that would be hardest to give up.
Posted by Blogger gina :  August 10, 2006

Why are pregnant women told to avoid feta cheese?
- Louise

Soft, unpasteurized cheeses like feta, Brie, Camembert, and goat - as well as ready-to-eat meats like hot dogs and deli meats - may contain Listeria, bacteria that cause mild flu-like symptoms in most adults but can be very dangerous for unborn babies. Listeriosis, the infection caused by the bacteria, can cause miscarriage, premature birth, or severe illness or death of a newborn. Cheddar, American cheese, cottage cheese, cream cheese, and yogurt are safe choices during pregnancy.
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous :  August 10, 2006

Thanks Louise for explaining the reasons behind why one might be concerned about eating feta cheese.

I do hope it was clear that my "naughtiness" was informed choices, and more of an attempt at humour.

If the cheese is pasturized, it's totally safe. It's pretty rare to find unpasturized dairy. Listeriosis infection in pregnancy is very rare: only about one pregnancy in 20,000 are affected, and something tells me those cases are more from someone cross-contaminating in their own home during food preparation as opposed to the hysteria that would happen if manufactures found out there was listeria in their products. I think also, as far as deli meats go that one should be more concerned about nitrates and sodium.

As far as the sun goes, it's along the same lines as not getting in a sauna or a hot tub, or doing anything that can raise your body temperature above 102F. Overheating has been associated with spinal malformations because it can deplete your folic acid stores.

Again, it's about informed choices and nothing is more empowering than understanding any potential risks in pregnancy. That being said though, pregnant people should still feel reasonably confident that eating at subway, or an afternoon in the park, or a non-fat yogurt with aspartame won’t harm their baby.
Posted by Blogger Karla :  August 10, 2006

Ha hahahah--I ate feta cheese 3 or 4 times when I was pregnant, felt a little guilty--but oooooohhhhhh so good. I was careful--read the labels--but the guilt nibbled at me anyway.

I work in a NICU in Florida. Last night, two babies were born that I took care of--both were sick because mom never got prenatal care and were either shooting up heroin, or smoking pot throughout their pregnancy. Both babies will probably be fine, once they get through the withdrawal, but it pisses me off that God lets Jerks like that have more or less healthy babies. End Rant.

I think you are doing fine. And that post was damn funny!!
Posted by Blogger Deborah :  August 11, 2006

Gosh I didnt know you werent supposed to eat feta!? I soo dyed my hair too! I thought I was the pregnancy rule fool!

I am so happy for you Karla. And I have to agree with Deb, I saw a lady very obviously pregnant smoking a ciggarette the other day....I wanted to smack her.

Enjoy your nicely colored hair and your treats that hubby is running out getting! YOU DESERVE IT!

Posted by Blogger Patyrish :  August 11, 2006


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