| Cynical |
I really miss blogging these days, but I’m struggling with trying to find an inner balance of a need for solitude and privacy as I try and quell the growing fear in my heart of something going wrong with this pregnancy, and a need to share my experiences with such a compelling and insightful group of bloggers who have nothing but words of support and encouragement to offer.
I’ve had a lot to say, but could never find the words to say it. When I miscarried, I was devastated and frightfully angry. To add salt to my wounds, my husband’s brother and his wife are expecting and we actually shared the same due date week. I suppose being pregnant again has eased some of the pain, but not entirely. I still have a hard time seeing a pregnant belly, and as selfish as it sounds, I know I won’t be attending her shower. I can already sense the disapproval I will meet with that decision. But, attending in duress while someone fusses over a pregnant belly when all I can think about is everything that can go wrong and how easy it is for a baby to die will not help matters. I’m very happy for them of course; I’m just cynical and sad that my own tragedy has cast such a giant shadow on everything, especially during their time of joy.
So sue me, I’m a jaded bitch.
I can’t even look at pregnancy books or magazine or watch a pregnancy TV show without reliving the day I gave birth to, and watched Ava die. Frou-frou articles about the beautiful baby I will soon be holding in my arms and dilemmas over what colour to paint the nursery seem so naïve, nonchalant and senselessly foolish.
I know my bitterness is not helping matters, but it’s hard to keep it in check when events like the one that happened last week transpire.
While visiting my Perinatologist they discovered, while listening to my heart, that it is irregular. I now have to go for my own echocardiogram to rule out an arrhythmia and the possibility that Ava’s (supposedly not genetic heart issue of prominent endocardial blood vessels in the region of the limbus of the foremen ovale) is in fact, not genetic.
I remember with my first pregnancy I complained to my first OB that my heart often felt like it fluttered or “skipped a beat”. When it happened, I would feel extremely anxious for the momentary flurry, and then all returned to normal. She brushed it off and I never thought about it until now. I know your heart works harder during pregnancy, and your blood volume increases dramatically, but has anyone else who has been pregnant experienced this heart fluttering? Is this really nothing to be concerned about?
It’s hard not to feel like a big fat failure right now. And it breaks my heart even more considering the possibility that I wasn’t able to give my baby girl and little bubs everything they needed to thrive. Labels: Grief and Loss, Pregnancy |
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I don't know why we do this as mothers, but we ALL do - heap useless and poorly placed guilt on our heads even if it's something that's entirely out of our control.
When Maddie came after we lost Matthew and had a miscarriage, the doctor discovered a heart murmur and I thought "okay, here we go, I knew she was doomed from the start". Well it turned out to be very minor and she's one of the healthiest 4 year olds around.
I don't remember having heart flutterings when I was pregnant, but it's certainly nothing that makes YOU a failure. You are doing everything right, including continuing to love and grief Ava. I know it's easier said than done, but don't beat yourself up over it.
Cyber hugs to you.
i can't imagine how hard it must be to go through another pregnancy so soon.....
i am fnding even the process and roller coaster of trying to get prego (for nearly 8 months now) trying and scary.
i think of you often, and your little one, and wish only the best for you
Oh Karla, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes nodding in agreement at all the things you are feeling and thinking. I have felt and thought the same things so many times in the last 2 years that sometimes it seems like it is all I think about anymore. Makily's genetic problems is something I am a carrier for. I have hated, blamed and beaten myself up for it since I found out this was something she inherited from me. Everyone says "don't blame yourself, you didnt know" but your heart wants SO BADLY to blame someone. When something terrible happens you just want someone to be angry at.....and we are our own worst critics. I try to focus on the fact that I HAVE MY CHILD HERE. Despite all the times she should have died, I am allowed to see the miracle that she is. I thank God for every single day I have with her. She is an angel sent here to me and I am forever grateful.
I understand your loathing for pregnant bellies and things now made trival to you such as nursery colors and which crib to buy. It seems so unfair that the naivity of being pregnant is lost and you are filled with worry and fear. The same goes for me though if I ever am to become pregnant again naturally. I have a 50/50 chance of getting pregnant with another sick baby and I can't begin to tell you what that does to my mind....but I know you understand.
I won't tell you to relax or that it will all be okay. You probably lack the ability to relax right now and I wouldnt be able to either. I will be praying for you that you will get through these next several months and that God will grant you the healthy, bouncing beautiful baby you deserve.
The heart flutters I personally did have during pregnancy. They told me it was normal because of the increased blood flow. I will be praying that it is nothing Karla. HANG IN THERE. You will get through this.
Oh Karla...everytime you post my heart skips a beat. I so want this pregnancy to end in joy and life! I can certainly understand your feelings and I hope your family is empathetic as well. I'm praying for you and hoping that all will be well.
Carla,
I have been reading your blog for quite a while now. I was pregnant during your blog about Ava and I remember laughing out loud at the funny things you would say and remembering that I was feeling the same way. When I read what happened to Ava I cried for you and your husband. I prayed for your family everyday. During my pregnancy which was 3 months behind yours, I experianced the same thing. That rapid heart beat and all. I went to a cardiologist and he said that it is very common during pregnancy and that you only need to be monitored during your delivery. I was monitored closely with no problem and delivered a healthy baby boy. The medications that are offered even though they say they are okay during pregnancy you should try to avoid them if you can. I am praying for you and your husband the the new addition to your family. God bless!
Ashley
Karla, I agree with what Heather said. We take the things that happen to our children so personally, even though some things are completely out of our control.
I totally understand you not wanting to go to the shower, although they are probably going to think that since you are now pregnant, everything should be fine. Which would not be true. I wish you luck on that front.
I personally did not have the flutterings, probably because I was on medication for high blood pressure from the 2nd month of my pregnancy, and the dosage only increased from there, if anything my heart was beating slower than normal.
I can understand the feeling of having a high risk pregnancy, I was doubly high risk with the blood pressure and gestational diabetes together. It is extremely stressful to know that something could go wrong or "be" wrong and I will always remember that sense of helplessness. Which in turn made me mad.
The juju, girl, it's still comin' your way!
This is my first time in (from butterfly girl) but I wanted to tell you that my heart does that too... it will actually do a skip, then what almost seems like a loud hard 'thud' and then start again.
... the reason I share? Three healthy, happy babies later I can tell you that you had nothing to do with Ava's heart problem. I believe that full heartedly.
Alow yourself to grieve.. but allow yourself to be happy too! Enjoy pregnancy and childbirth now, and in the future and don't worry that the past will repeat.
Good Luck my dear. :)
Honey, you have zero control over what your body chooses to do. You can't feel guilty for not being able to offer everything in the world to your children. Well, you could feel guilty if you had chosen to have an irregular heartbeat, but I'm about 100% sure you did not choose this. It's upsetting that your OB chose to ignore you when you told her about this. I was closer than I could have ever known to losing TJ when he was born, b/c the whole time I was prego w/him I had preeclampsia. I told my midwives over and over again, and they brushed it off, too. I can be nothing but thankful that it decided not to reat its worst parts until after he was born and only put me back in the hospital. It's so sad to me that this possible condition couldn't have waited with you, too. There is certainly zero reason whatsoever for you to feel at all like a failure. I think it's highly commendable that you keep trying, knowing how hard it is for you and how upsetting the outcomes have been so far. You WILL be the perfect set of parents when your time finally comes, and I'm so glad that you do keep trying to offer that to a very, very fortunate child.
As for your b-i-l's wife, I'm quite sure she and everyone else will understand why you are not in attendance at her shower. I mean, people often don't come just b/c they don't feel like it that day, so surely she can't blame you for having a perfectly legitimate reason. My hope is that soon after that you will have wonderful news to share with them, and then you'll want to spend more time than ever with them, b/c you'll have so much in common!
I tend to think that the more positive an outlook you keep, the more hopeful you are all around, and the better things turn out. So, please, try to stay positive, and try not to assume that bad things will happen this time. Keep in mind that you are all over it now, and have every safety measure covered. If you feel something strange is going on, this time fight for everything you think you need to make sure it's fine. Better to be safe than sorry, right? Any doctor, especially seeing your prior situation, will surely understand your need for extra measures. If not, find one that will.
Karla,
I think anyone of us would be the same way if we experienced what you have. it is easy to give advice, but honestly I think you are incredibly brave. About the shower, I think if you just talk to your SIL I am sure she will understand, and if she doesn't she will after she has her baby. Until you experience the incredible miracle of life coming from your body you may not understand.
I hope all goes well at the appointment. I think I remember my hear being weird when pregnant. With my second I had a series of test that "should" have been VERY detrimental to my baby (xray, contrast xray, and a angiogram...scary). With medicine these days I am sure your baby will be safe. Let us know. Praying for you.
Remember you are an incredible woman for going through this again. I sure look up to you!
I can understand why you don't want to go to the shower and I hope your SIL does too. Please, no guilty feelings over that. You've got to worry about yourself sometimes. I have personally never experienced my heart skipping, but I read all the comments and it doesn't sound too out of the ordinary. Big hugs!! Please don't blame yourself for anything. I know that's a lot easier said than done.
Oh hunny. I wish I had words of widsom or the ability to calm your fears.
I can only imagine the fear and worry that you feel... along side the increadible enjoyment.
Know that you are doing everything you can to carry a healthy baby. Sometimes, as Ava has shown all of us, angels have to return home... none of that is your fault, lovey.
You're increadible... absolutely INCREADIBLE. Give yourself that much credit.
I love you tremedously.
I just wanted to let you know that I had the same fluttering you are describing through both of my pregnancies. I would have the fluttering sometimes, and it would take my breath away, and then I would feel fine just as quick as it started. I told the doctor about it, and they told me not to worry about it, and I have a healthy son and a healthy daughter. I hope this helps to ease your mind a little, I know I would be as anxious as you are. I spent the first trimester of my last pregnancy fretting to death, thinking I would have another miscarraige.
Sending well wishes and prayers your way for a NORMAL Echo.
I really hope that you dont believe you are being selfish by not going to a baby shower for your bil! you have the right to worry and be sad from what you have gone through. No one can judge you for the choices you make regarding grieving.
When my aunt lost Angelica she did not go to birthday parties, baby showers, christenings, etc for a really really really long time and you know what no one thought anything of it!
In the end I pray that this pregnancy works out and you bring home a healthy baby and you yourself are healthy!
All I can say is we are hear and you can vent all you want!
and to answer the question about the heart I have no idea I am sorry I wish I had an answer for you!
you can vent to us anytime u feel u need to just send an email or post
I will leave all words for these wise women that share your experience more than I...
However, I've got all the mojo I can muster coming your way. Internet hugs may seem cheesy, but cheesy I am not afraid to be...
Take care!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being able to attend your family member's shower because of the memories it brings back. I felt very weird even inviting my aunt to my baby shower, knowing that she was never able to conceive, and had a tough time with that for a long time. She loved being there, and I'm glad I invited her, but if she hadn't come, I wouldn't have been offended. I can understand your cynicism, and I think all of us who have lost a child or miscarried can relate to how you feel. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
~Tiffany
Just adding my 2 cents way after the fact, but my heart skipped a lot with Max. I can't imagine my water breaking early and his prematurity being linked.
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Heather Plett : June 15, 2006 
