Samson Speaks
by Karla ° Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Dear Grandma and Grandpa C and McGramma and McGrampa,

I’m really not happy that mom and dad have to leave soon to birth my baby brother without me, but I guess having some company to rub my ears and let me outside to potty beats shitting on the floor.

I’m not high maintenance, but I do have the following requests and facts to communicate to make sure my life of leisure and luxury remains as undisturbed as possible during my parent's absence.

Because I am a riotous rapscallion, and a cookie whore, I will ring my potty often. When this happens, I expect you to throw exactly one half of a congratulatory potty cookie onto the deck to coerce me outside. If you ignore the potty bell when I ring it, I will just ring it louder and more frequently. Please don’t ignore the goddam potty bell.

My kibble bowl must remain full because I am not a glutton and will not eat until I explode. I am a man of leisure and snack accordingly throughout the day. Apparently, the same rule applies for the cats. I think they are too fat however, and usually polish off their kibble and their water when no one is looking. I am not a sadist though, and if you choose to refill their food and water supply, their kibble dispenser is on top of the dryer. Dad always gives them filtered water, but mom’s lazy and just uses to rusty tap water from the basement sink.

I obey hand signals better than voice commands. There is a signal for stay, wait, down, leave it and sit. I don’t work well under pressure, but cookies can convince me to do pretty much anything.

If I jump up in excitement, I know that a stern “Four feet on the floor mister!” means business and I shouldn’t do it anymore.

Please don’t spank or hit me. I am of elephantine proportions anyway, and regularly crash my head into random objects and rather enjoy it. To correct bad behavior, there are pop cans stuffed with pennies all over the house. Shaking one will freak the shit out of me, and cause me stop whatever bad behavior I am doing.

Sometimes, when you try to let me inside I play the statue game and stand there like an idiot when the door opens for me. If you try and grab my collar to drag me inside, I will think you are playing and run away. Even cookies lose their magic in this situation. Try counting to three (in English please). Because I am a mathematical genius, I know that three means the door will shut. I’m usually in by two, but if counting fails, tell me “Samson, in your crate,” while making exaggerated hand gestures towards my crate. I am more than happy to prance directly into my crate once I have convinced a human to act like a lowly doorman.

I do not jump on counters for food, but that is only because I am tall enough to rest my nose comfortably on the edge of the counter and extend my lizard tongue to taint your food with the remains of toilet bowl water and dog ass.

Please ensure toilets remain flushed at all times. I very much enjoy the crisp freshness of water served from a fine bowl of porcelain.

If I cry during the night, I probably have diarrhea and it’s in your best interest to get up and let me out if you don’t want a drippy mess of raunchiness to clean.

I like to eat the deck. Please randomly check on me when I'm outside to ensure I am not choking on splinters because I am too stupid to know that pressure treated wood is full of arsenic.

I have a thing for humping random women. Please note that I do not understand the concept of incest and that I am boy and I just can’t help myself sometimes.

I enjoy leisurely licking my nutsacks. Admit it, if you could, you would too.

I enjoy ice cubes and would appreciate if you obliged my cravings and offered them to me often.

At night, when I am out pottying, please turn the outside light on so the neighbours know I am outside. Their dog hates me and barks and charges against the fence like her ass is on fire when she see’s me. It makes the scruff of my neck all prickly. Sometimes we fight through the fence, but I am more than happy to be the bigger man and walk away if you offer me a cookie.

I have been told that my farts are the most horribly noxious smell in the whole wide world, but I enjoy them. Sorry if you feel differently.

I don’t beg for food often, but when I do, just cast the leave it spell on whatever it is that I am interested in. To cast the spell, simply say “Samson, Leave It” and wave your hand across the item. For the most part, unless said item is a cat or has cheese on it, I’ll listen.

When I wake up in the morning, Mom and Dad always sing me a good morning song. I usually stand between their legs and let them rub my ass while they sing it. The lyrics are simple and go as so: “It’s morning time for the pooch, it’s morning time for the pooch. It’s morning, it’s morning, it’s good morning time for the pooch.” Please memorize them.

I think that about covers it. Thank you in advance for agreeing to help sustain my level of comfort and well being during this difficult stage of transition in my life. I’m not so sure about this whole baby thing, but a little birdy told me that dirty diapers are enticing and entertaining to sniff, so at least that’s something to look forward too.


Samson the dog

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Hi Samson,
You are an excellent blogger! You should visit more often.
Bark! Bark! Good dog!
Posted by Blogger Irene S :  October 18, 2006

That was very enjoyable. Samson is a very good writer.
Posted by Blogger Anvilcloud :  October 18, 2006

Samson, this time when I say LOL I mean I was actually laughing out loud.
Posted by Blogger Julia :  October 18, 2006

Samson, I was thinking that perhaps we wanted to get a dog for Mr. P, but you have now produced some serious second thoughts.

Thanks for the warning!
Posted by Blogger Gina :  October 18, 2006

I to couldn't help but LOL!! You are very creative Karla!! Sounds like Samson is living the good life!!
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous :  October 18, 2006

Hee hee--you so crack me up. I'm sure the Grandparents will appreciate the humor in the poochie care guidlines.
Posted by Blogger Deborah :  October 18, 2006

*LMFAO* That is wonderful, Karla. Perhaps I can coerce Mable into writing Samson a letter sometime this week... *wink*
Posted by Blogger `*Pansy*~ :  October 18, 2006

*LMFAO* That is wonderful, Karla. Perhaps I can coerce Mable into writing Samson a letter sometime this week... *wink*
Posted by Blogger `*Pansy*~ :  October 18, 2006

All I need to know about life I learned from my dog(s).
If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
Don't go out without I.D.
Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
Always give people a friendly greeting - a cold nose in the crotch is effective
When you do something wrong, always take responsiblity (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
If it's not wet and slopopy. it's not a real kiss.
When you go out into the world, remember: always take time out to smell the rose, and trees, and grass, and rocks and fire hydrants.
This was taken from a Portal Production greeting card.

I enjoyed your post and is so typical of a spoiled dog.
Posted by Blogger Swampwitch :  October 18, 2006

Now about my template makeover:
I love my template, but I think Flickr is causing problems.
For the last two evenings, my blog has disappeared. Another fellow blogger had the same problems and she had Flickr Badge, too. She has, in the meantime, changed templates. I am not a computer person and I don't have a clue how to do this.
Judging from your posts, you are a busy busy lady. This is not urgent, but I would like to find someone who can help me.
Posted by Blogger Swampwitch :  October 18, 2006

Ok. I don't laugh out loud very often, but Holy crap, that was hilarious. I have to finish reading it later, have to go pick up the daughter!
Posted by Blogger Donna :  October 18, 2006

hahahahaha funny I almost pissed myself hahaha
Posted by Blogger rachael :  October 18, 2006

What a coincidence. I'm a cookie whore, too!
Posted by Blogger Kurt :  October 18, 2006

:) Samson writes better than i do! I enjoyed this very much.
Posted by Blogger kathy :  October 18, 2006

LOL.. I think that Samson is a tad spoiled. But he is also extremely smart, due, I think, to his ability to lick his privates. Any male that can lick his privates is a genius in my mind..

I, too, will do anything for a cookie.
Posted by Blogger Christi :  October 19, 2006

THIS, was downright hilarious!!! Girl, you should really be getting paid to write!!!

And, like Samson, and many others on here...I will do most anything for a cookie!!
Posted by Anonymous arlene :  October 20, 2006

Samson can come and stay with us anytime. :-)
Posted by Anonymous coll :  October 21, 2006

I had to read this out loud to the Pancake. We have a lab as well and he is always singing songs to him, morning noon and night.

I'm trying to put the kibosh on the one that goes, "I love Miles, Miles loves me, Hom0sexuality" because I'm CERTAIN this is why Miles was trying to hump a boy dog at the park last weekend.
Posted by Anonymous heidi :  October 23, 2006


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