untanglingknots.com: Searching for Answers

by Karla ° Sunday, May 29, 2005

Tomorrow morning, at 9:00am sharp is the moment of truth. Tomorrow we meet with the doctors at Mount Sinai to learn the results of Ava’s autopsy and to hopefully discover an answer to the burning question that continues to haunt us. “Why did Ava die?”

As much as I am anxious to finally be able to discuss this horrific incident with the doctor, to hopefully find some answers and perhaps find closure on everything, I’m dreading a return to a place full of big beautiful pregnant bellies, a place full of excited expecting moms, each one of them sporting a belly symbolic of so many hopes and dreams, their faces beaming with an undeniable pregnancy glow.

I’m seething mad thinking that I have to sit amongst these women and be surrounded by all their joy and excitement while I patiently wait, sans baby in hand, for my six week postpartum checkup and Ava’s autopsy results.

Although we will be discussing the findings of the autopsy, we are fully aware that they may not have discovered anything and we will be left hanging with an explanation as lame as “sometimes these things happen”.

We have a lot of ground to cover tomorrow. Besides all the obvious questions, we’ll be reviewing the events that took place from the moment I arrived at the hospital to the moment Ava was born. We want copies of all my medical records (particularly the tracing done on Ava’s heart when I arrived at Triage that supposedly showed she was distressed and no one noticed), copies of the internal audit review the hospital is required to do when a tragedy of this scale occurs, as well as a copy of her autopsy results.

We certainly aren’t looking for someone to point the blame on, but my husband and I both need to obtain this information for our own peace of mind. Although I know we may be surprised at what some of it will say or how the “facts” that have been recorded differ from what we remember, it’s still important to us that we know of everything that happened (even if from the hospitals perspective).

I truly need to find some closure from the information we will learn tomorrow. The anticipation and tension that has been building as we await this doctors visit is starting to eat away at me.

I’ve been dealing with some frightening thoughts as I try and prepare myself for the reasons surrounding her death. Although I thought I had moved passed the phase of self blame and self punishment, I’m beginning to worry that they discovered it was in fact, something I did (or didn’t) do while I was pregnant with her that caused such an unfortunate outcome. Knowing it was something I did will be incredibly difficult to navigate and recover from, but I feel like I need to prepare myself for anything and everything, even IF I did everything in my power to keep my baby girl healthy inside of me.

All the thinking, racking my brain for an answer and trying to image the unimaginable really hit hard the other night. While having a discussion about the birth control pill with my husband, we disagreed whether or not one needs to wait a full cycle before having unprotected sex for the pill to be effective.

I didn’t think unprotected sex after a few days on the pill was a wise idea and he thought that once you began taking the pill, it was effective from the get go.

My mind started racing to the god awful staples that are half assed holding my uterus together right now and the dangers of getting pregnant so soon after a c-section.

Even though we were just discussing the issue at hand, the most dreadful words I could have spoken escaped my mouth. All sense of reason, sensitivity and tact were left behind as I said them and they hit hard, like the ultimate blow to the stomach, or shot below the waist. I wasn’t playing fair, but I screamed them anyways.

“I can’t handle killing another baby this year!”

My husband and I just stared at each other. Silence hovered over us, eyes locked, neither of us knowing what to say.

The damage was done. The words were spoken. They stung. They were inappropriate.

It was when my lips started to quiver signaling the onset of tears that my husband gently placed a hand on my lap and ever so softly said “Please don’t say that.”

I offered up my most sincere apologies…and just buried my face in his chest and cried and apologized. Although thinking back, it’s really Ava that I need to be apologizing too.

I need to apologize to her for not being strong and looking to her for strength when I was at my lowest. Most importantly, I need to apologize to her for the decision we had to make to remove her breathing tubes, because I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself.

That is why tomorrow is so important. I need some answers. Without closure, how will we ever know if we made the right decision? They can tell me “sometimes these things happen” until they are blue in the face, but as far as I am concerned, that is just not acceptable. Babies just don’t die and I need to know why mine did!

Labels: Grief and Loss, In Memory of Ava, Thinking Out Loud

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Comments:

I will be thinking about you a lot tomorrow. I think you sound like you are having very normal thoughts. Angry outburts are going to happen. I hope what you hear tomorrow can help you begin to get some closure, some understanding.

I have a copy of my dad's autopsy results. It's an incredibly hard thing to read, the wording is brutally cold and scientific. That sounds obvious, but it's a shock to read about someone you love. I just want you to be prepared for that. ((((Karla))))

Posted by Unknown : May 29, 2005

I hope that they treat you with respect, compassion, dignity, and as the intelligent being that you are.

I'm sure that it's natural to blame yourself or to look for some thing, indeed anything, that you could have done differently. But in your heart you know that you did your absolute best.

May you obtain at least some of the closure that you so desperately seek.

Posted by Anvilcloud : May 29, 2005

I will be thinking of you tommorrow.

Dont beat yourself up none of this is your fault.

You did everything you could and that is all you can do.

I hope they give you some answers tomorrow and it will bring you and Mark closer to closure.

Posted by Kate Giovinco Photography : May 29, 2005

Karla, I will be thinking of you and praying for you tonight. I pray that you do get some kind of closure from all this.
The feelings you are feeling right now are all normal and I don't believe that you did or didn't do the right things while carring Ava. You did only the best for her. Blaming yourself will only make you sick and you need to be strong. God has great plans for you and Mark. You just need to believe in him with all your heart. God bless sweetie.

Posted by Tammy : May 29, 2005

I'll be praying for you all day tomorrow.

Please don't think you're in any way responsible for what happened. Lord knows you were the best pregnant person I've ever seen! You make all us other pregos feel bad you were so good at it! God had His reasons for what He did, and you had absolutely NO control over it.

Posted by Christi : May 29, 2005

Good morning Karla. Sending you a big hug this morning.

Your decisions all along were motivated by unselfish love, and that makes them the right ones. Hang on to that.

Mothers always feel like they are to blame when something happens to their children. That is just the way we are made. Surely we could have prevented it. Surely we could have gotten more rest, eaten differently, breathed deeper, sat up straighter - the list could go on and on. What you did or didn't do during your pregnancy and after Ava was born was done in love. You did the best you could at the time and your motives were always and only love.

Be kind and gentle with yourself today. Be tough and search for answers, but be kind and gentle with your tender spirit today.

Posted by Cuppa : May 30, 2005

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