Fight or Flight
by Karla ° Monday, March 13, 2006
The blood tests I’ve been having every 48 hours show my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) are dropping.

Aside from discovering that my ovaries are “really high up there” while being subjected to the particularly unpleasant poking and prodding of internal ultrasound vagina cams and feeling sorry all the techs who had to fish around in my girl parts, it has been confirmed that I have in fact, just miscarried.

I take great relief that my tubes will remain intact.

Just like when Ava died, I feel a sense of fight or flight kicking in. Something deep inside is telling me to leave this place, to run away and start fresh somewhere else, far away.

The financially responsible side of me knows that we would more than likely loose money if we moved already. We’ve only lived here about a year and a half. On the other hand, the adventurous and wounded side of me can’t help but think that we are still young, and if ever there was a time to take risks, it is now.

Either I need to find the risk taker inside of me, or make peace with what we have.

Running away seems so much easier.


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Karla, I am so sorry for your miscarriage, but feel with you the relief of an intact system.

It always seems so much easier to run away from things, doesn't it? Except I have learned the hard way, that in the long haul, your problems always seem to find you. No matter how far you go.

You are still young, that is true. You are right in that it is a good time to be adventurous and perhaps do some (semi) risky things. But don't do them because you feel reckless out of a sense of despair, as if you had nothing to lose. A word of caution would be to do them because you sincerely want to, otherwise they will be meaningless. And might even make you feel worse.

Listen to me, giving a big lecture. I'm sorry if it seems that way.

I love you Karla, and will support you in anything you wish to do.
Posted by Blogger Gina :  March 13, 2006

I swear Karla sometimes you say things and they echo thoughts that have gone through my head so many times. It's eerie.
There was a time after I had Makily and she was so sick that I wanted to just run away from everything. I remember wanting to start over and leave everything behind. In my mind I thought it would heal my heart faster.
I will continue to pray for you not matter what choice you guys make. Take care of yourself and know that I am thinking of you and your husband.

Posted by Blogger Patyrish :  March 13, 2006

Running away never works, because no matter how far you run, you have to take yourself with you. Standing and fighting seems like the best option, but oh so hard to do when you just want to turn and run.

If you can't stand and fight, how about you just stand. Yes, just stand. Breathe in, breathe out, just stand. Hang on, hang on, hang on!
Posted by Blogger Cuppa :  March 13, 2006

oh my god. i cant believe what happened! karla i am sooo sorry for your loss. that is freaking unbelieveably cruel. i know that sometimes loss makes one believe in something more, but i cannot in such a situation......

i know that hope most be abandoned at this moment, so i will have some for you and mark....
Posted by Blogger ~d.~ :  March 14, 2006

Cuppa is very wise, and it is so nice that you have such a strong woman giving you such good advice. I wish I had a Cuppa in my corner. :) I was so happy to read that the levels are dropping, and that everything looks good with the tubes.

Hang in there Karla. I know life can deal us a pretty shitty hand at times, and it just feels better to run away than to stop and face it. Relax. Take a deep breath. Enjoy the time you have with your husband, and when you feel the time is right, try again.

I had a miscarraige back in March. I felt the pain you are going through, and carried the guilt with me. I still wonder what might have been, and yesterday, I realized that if things had gone the "right" way, I would have a 4 month old baby right now. 5 months after my miscarraige, I got pregnant again, and am now expecting a little girl at the end of April. Please don't give up hope. I don't know why these things happen, I never will, but know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I am praying that you are almost there.

Hugs and good wishes.
Posted by Blogger Deborah :  March 14, 2006

So very sorry to hear of your loss. I miscarried and it tore me apart. My fiancee of the time left me two weeks later and it took all I had in me not to up and leave and start again.

My best friend lost a baby a little over a year later, and with it, a tube. The other side was hardly producing any eggs and she was deverstated. She has since had another baby though - and naturally too.

So to you my sympathy, love and support, and to those who come here who have lost parts of their reproductive system.... there is hope. Sometimes the body finds away... and if not, there are so many kids out there without families who need love. Don't forget them. We have friends staring on the road to adoption too.

Love to you all
Posted by Blogger CharlieBeth :  March 14, 2006

No matter what you decide, know, there are people who care for you, around, for you to turn to; spend time with;vent to; moisten shoulders; if you choose to...or not ... I hope you find comfort simply knowing they're there...always..
Posted by Anonymous T and N :  March 14, 2006

I've been a fan since your TP days and have been following your story. I know the courage it took to try again, I've gone through several losses as well. Cuppa gave you great advice, she is a wise person. Running may seem like a good idea now, but where ever you go Ava and this baby will still be gone and that won't go away.

I feel for you but please dont run.
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous :  March 14, 2006

Thought you could use this. A friend passed it on to me today, and I thought it had a nice message.
Posted by Blogger Deborah :  March 15, 2006


Karla, I have no great words of wisdom. My heart hurts for you and Mark. I know you will get passed this.

Sending love and hugs your way.
Posted by Blogger Mandi :  March 17, 2006

Hey Darlin,
Thinking of you and Mark. Give me a call, I'm positive we can distract each other with extensive puppy talk!
Posted by Anonymous Jen :  March 17, 2006

SC is still waiting eagerly for your arrival.
Posted by Blogger Christi :  March 20, 2006


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