untanglingknots.com: Living in fear behind my white picket fence

Living in fear behind my white picket fence

by Karla ° Sunday, June 12, 2005

How does one overcome the constant anxiety that “something bad is looming around every corner” after experiencing the painful death of their baby?

Once upon a time I used to think I had life by the reigns. I was living my life confidently and purposefully. I had goals and I knew how to obtain them. I lived a blessed and fulfilling life. I was fortunate and lucky. Life didn’t get any better than a wonderful and caring husband, a quaint little house that we could finally call “home”, and financial security to raise a family on one income because that is what we wanted, and was core to our family philosophy.

I had it all; the perfect husband, the perfect home, financial security, and the hopes and dreams of a beautiful little baby to build our life upon…you may as well throw in the white picket fence too. Life was just too perfect. I absolutely did walk around on a cloud believing my life was too good to be true.

Yes, I was a happy, go lucky woman who had it all….until my baby died…

My fairy tale life has since been turned upside down.

My knight in shining armor now cries with me and there is nothing he can say or do to whisk away my pain.

I now fear that reality of my fragility.

My beautiful home now haunts me every time I walk by Ava’s nursery and think of all that could have been. I cannot enter a room without reliving a daydream or fantasy about Ava. I cannot escape a particulary compelling daydream of us walking down the street holding hands on her first day of school. She has the cutest little brown pigtail braids, a nervous smile and a tiny sack drapped across her little shoulder filled with a nutritious lunch and a picture of mommy and daddy that she can look at if she misses us, as we stroll down the street excited and nervous about her first day of school.

I fear all of the fantasy daydreams I still have that torment me of Ava growing up in this house. The non-reality memories and dreams haunt me everyday and I cannot find a way to move past them. My home and its lack of hopes and dreams preoccupy me. It feels so empty. I don’t know how to reestablish a sense of tranquility and peacefulness behind the brick exterior I reluctantly call home.

My financial security and investments now feel frivolous and sardonic, a constant reminder of the years of saving and penny pinching. Years of me attempting to tolerate a hateful corporation that sucked away at my soul to be able to one day be a stay at home mom free of financial woes or money related problems. Years of sadness and anger now wasted. Why did I not understand that life is too short to not pursue a passion rather than a paycheck?

I fear the mindset and mentality I have learned from corporate life. I fear that I cannot accept the things I have learned about business, banks and our government as life lessons, but only see corrupt people and intolerance behind the phony smiles and fancy suits.

My friends have mostly dissipated throughout the turmoil, most not knowing what to say, and surely feel that saying nothing and avoidance is easier than being there for us to help navigate the path to recovery.

I now fear how lonely this planet really is. It is truly heart wrenching to watch the world whiz on by when your own life is in shambles. It is hard to accept that other people can move on, when you aren’t ready. It is hard to accept that not everyone cares to understand or listen.

And now, my husband, my love, is on an airplane without me, and scheduled to land in the same US State as the tragic 9-11 Pittsburgh crash.

I fear his safety and wonder what would happen if he died today. I don’t even know where I would even start to pick up the pieces if he was whisked out of my life too. I fear life and its harsh realities. I cannot even begin to imagine the fear and horror of my second biggest nightmare coming true. My worst nightmare has come true for godsake! How can I not wonder if more sadness and wretchedness awaits me around the next corner.
How can I not live in fear of my nightmares when the blackness and dreadfulness of the worst reality possible has crossed the boundary from "what if" into my reality?

My perfect little life isn’t so perfect after all, and sometimes, living in the shadow of fear behind my white picket fence is all I can muster.

Labels: Grief and Loss

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Comments:

I'm safe and sound baby. I love you so much.

I miss you with all of my heart already.

Posted by Mark : June 12, 2005

I'm not sure what to say, but I want you to know that I'm reading, I care, and I feel for you. (((Karla)))

Posted by Unknown : June 12, 2005

OHHH Karla, My heart break for you again. When I hear how you put that I just want to cry. I am sad for you.

You know, I was at church today and I was thinking about you because of something the Pastor had said.

He said, "YOU HAVE PLANS FOR YOUR LIFE, BUT GOD MOVES YOU TO WHERE HE WANTS IT TO GO."

As soon as I heard him say that I thought of you. You had plans on starting a beautiful family and at the last minute God chose to take Ava to be with him. We don't know why but that was his plan.

We are then left on this world asking WHY? But in the end GOD has a plan and God only gives us what we can handle.

You may not want to hear this and that's ok. I just want you to know that you are not alone. You do have friends all around you and it is hard for them cause they don't want to say things that may bring back that hurt.

I wish I were closer to you so I could just HUG you and tell you that everything is going to be ok. I continue to pray for you and your family and GOD is good. You just have to believe in him and He will be there for you.
Believe in HIM. He is real.
HUGS are being sent your way.

Posted by Tammy : June 12, 2005

Karla,
We are hear to listen. I am sorry your friends around you are having a hard time. I am sure they all want to be there but are so unsure of what to say, like you said.

I dont even know what to say to make you feel safer and better, but it is completely nderstandable about your feelings. I am sure that this is not something you want to hear but if it helps as time goes on your worry and fears and sadness will lessen.

We are here for you.

Posted by Kate Giovinco Photography : June 12, 2005

Hmmm, I don't know what to say to things like this. Never have. Just know that I am definitely NOT going anywhere, and I am willing to listen all you need. I can't guarantee I'll say anything to make you feel better, but at least you can get it out of your system whenever you need to.

I know it probably does sound a little preachy to you, but I completely agree with what Curly said. God really does have a plan for you. It wasn't the one you had, but it's going to be even better than you thought. Of course, who wants to hear that right now. I say, stay strong, and things will get better. Oh, and maybe if you get time, read the Book of Job in the Bible. I saw something about it last night, and it was about a man who lost everything. I plan to read it and try to learn something from it. Maybe we can do an MSN Bible study together!

Posted by Christi : June 13, 2005

Karla, I can't even begin to comprehend the fear you feel and the amount of pain you must be in. I am so, so sorry. But I want you to know that you are not alone. Your husband is there. Nothing is going to happen to him. It's OK that you can't take each other's pain away -- hold each other, and cry with each other, talk about your little girl and the plans you had. You also have people like me out here that you can vent to. Ever since the first day that I read your blog and learned of Ava's short but precious life, I have thought of you and her every single day. I've cried many times for a baby who became real to me only because you introduced her to me through your words and pictures.

If all you can muster today is living in a shadow of fear, then that's OK Karla. The fact you are here, verbalizing your feelings and reaching out, that in itself is a testament to your inner strength.

You are a wonderful person to whom a horrible thing has happened. Be pissed, Karla, be scared, be sad...be whatever you want to be, whatever you have to be, whatever you feel at the moment. You're entitled to it.

I hope someday the non-memories, the visions of Ava, will not haunt you but instead bring a smile to your face, even if they bring a tear to your eye.

Posted by Anonymous : June 13, 2005

Life has kicked my family & I hard on the face, I so know what these words mean-
"fear that I cannot accept the things I have learned about business, banks and our government as life lessons, but only see corrupt people and intolerance behind the phony smiles and fancy suits."
"I now fear how lonely this planet really is. It is truly heart wrenching to watch the world whiz on by when your own life is in shambles. It is hard to accept that other people can move on, when you aren’t ready. It is hard to accept that not everyone cares to understand or listen"
I have cried everytime I have watched your beautiful daughter's face. I wish it could be undone.

Posted by wookie : June 15, 2005

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