| The Ungrateful |
It was a beautiful afternoon. The sun was shining, and air was warm and occasionally, a breeze swept by to help keep everyone cool.
Even though there were two little baby boys playing in the little kiddy pool and splashing water on everyone, I was able to keep my emotions in check. In fact, my heart warmed when my friends son tried to keep me cool by watering down my feet with his moms giant watering can that was probably two times as big as him.
I met the hostess of the party from work a few years ago. Although we had been known to share the occasional coffee after hours every now and then, since I lost Ava, our friendship has blossomed. She too, lost her son four years ago. He was born at 30 weeks and passed shortly after. He second son, who is alive and thriving today, almost didn’t make it. He was born at 31 weeks and weighed less than two pounds. When I start to think that there couldn’t be anyone in the world who could possibly relate to or understand how I’m feeling, I think of my dear friend, and know that she just “gets it”.
My husband and I were the outsiders at the party. We were warmly invited to join their close knit circle of friends and everyone made us feel welcome. Although I wouldn’t call myself shy, I always find that sort of situation a bit intimidating. I knew one person, my husband knew no one, and you just never know how you’ll fit in. Everyone was extremely friendly, personable, warm and talkative. Everything was going great. That is, until the woman with the baby girl showed up.
Everything went downhill from there.
First off, seeing the little boys probably wasn’t overly hard because I didn’t loose a son. Seeing a baby girl really hit home and I had to choke back my tears. Luckily I had my sunglasses and was able to stabilize myself while my misted eyes remained hidden behind the darkened, protective lenses of my shades.
Secondly, the mother of this baby girl, who I also know from joining her and my friend for coffee on occasion, is completely aware of Ava’s passing, still felt compelled to express constantly how “burdened” she feels by her child. I’m sure she was trying to be funny or sarcastic, but I WISH with every fiber of my body that I was burdened by a child right now. Mine is dead. REMEMEBER?
The comment that sent me right over the edge was when she told me that sometimes she wished she could have her old life back before her daughter was born.
U.N.G.R.A.T.E.F.U.L
I cry every day and wish for the complete opposite. I would give anything to have my daughter back. We left shortly after that. I came home and cried for six hours straight. My week was just an emotional wreck, and her words just added salt to the wound.
I cried because there are so many ungrateful moms out there who just don't realize how fortunate they are.
I cried because those who do realize how fortunate they are go to sleep at night and thank their lucky stars they arent me.
I cried because I want my baby back.
I cried until I was hyperventilating and my eyes were too puffy to open and I just finally passed out from the sheer exhaustion of crying.
Today, I remain angry and spent and I just can't stop crying.Labels: Grief and Loss, Soapbox |
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Oh Karla, I can't believe that woman had the nerve to say such a thing and knowing what you had gone through. Some people just don't think before they speak.
I am sorry you had to go through that. It makes me sick to hear people talk like that when there are many families out there who go through what you did and how so many families want kids of their own and can't have them. Then I see so many kids being born into families who could careless.
Big HUGS to you. If you ever need to talk or vent to someone. I am here to listen. You know my email address. I hope you have a good day. Enjoy the long weekend. Ciao.
I am sending the biggest hug possible to you, all the way from California.
((((Karla))))
I think most parents complain about the difficulties of being a parent, because it really is hard. Especially a baby. I know I'm guilty sometimes. I would like to apologize in her behalf, because her insensitivity is mine also. I'm sorry, Karla. XOXO
sometimes words just slip off people's lips and hurt someone. i sometimes don't understand how some people could speak without thinking of others' feelings too.
i'm so sorry to hear what happened. i'm now sending you this big cyber hug from the netherlands. hang in there, karla!!
I know that I am guilty of sometimes wishing for the freedom that I had before I had kids. I think it's natural, especially when you are with them all day long. Do I think of my children as a burden? Absolutely not! However, I think this woman may have been like me, and had no idea what to say, but couldn't shut her mouth anyway. So she was trying to show you that having kids isn't always that great. My guess is she was trying to say it as a sort of consoling about Ava. Do I think it was right? No. It was definitely insensitive. I have to wonder if she didn't have her heart in the right place, though.
I'm so sorry that you had to hear that. I'm so sorry even more that you don't get to take part in conversations about the antics of your child. I know I still feel guilty about having Taryn, and instead of being thankful that I'm not you, sometimes I wish I was, and that you were me. I want you to have this, and I hope someday that you will. You and Mark are so very deserving of a baby, and I just know that you will be such awesome parents, and so appreciative of what you have. Every once in a while I try to think of a way that I can just give you my babies and keep them, too, or just let you have them for a while. I don't guess that will work, eh? I can't say that I understand at all what you are going through, and I'm sure I'm just botching this all up. Just know that I'm still here for you, and I'll do anything I can for you.
Sometimes it's hard to know what to say ... like now.
Tears will melt the heart frozen in grief.
Let them flow Karla. Sometimes you just have to let them flow.
Sending you a hug.
Hang in there Karla. You are a very strong woman to have gone to that party at all that there would be babies at. When my aunt lost her daughter she just stayed as far away from those kind of situations because it was really hard for her to be around. Time went on and she slowly went back to her friends. You are a brave woman and very inspirational. Woman can be ungrateful and not that there is any excuse for being negative about your child but sometimes people just dont think before they speak. Atleast you were able to cry and release some feelings. Hang in there Karla I am thinking of you.
Like you Karla I cry everyday also for the lost of Ava.Somedays it just doesnt seem like it will ever be okay again and that my heart cant stop aching.Like some told me to think of it as a big open wound , it will eventually heal over but there will always be a scar. And that scar for us will be in our hearts where no one will see it , but it will always be there.
McGrandma
Lots of hug and kisses from me to you
Love Mom
Karla,
I know you may not know who I am, but I really do understand how you feel. For 8 yrs I went through this very same scenario, over and over... it was pure hell for me. I prayed and cried, I talked... and people's words of comfort came pouring in, and on those certain days... nothing really seemed to help. Sometimes to comfort myself I would think, boy she must be really miserable to talk like that, and maybe sometimes I took comfort in that maybe she feels as miserable as I do... although doubtfully, and certainly not in the same way. I guess what I'm trying to say is, try to find some comfort in the way you need it. Be it lots of hugs, or words of comfort, or maybe just being able to blog and get it out... I wish you peace. And in saying that, I know that will take time. Remember to feel what you need to though... and who cares what anybody thinks.
Take care of yourself.
Since following your blog, I have become more aware of people doing this as well, people can be ungratful and insensitive. I am thankful even through teething and the sleepless nights.
*hugs to you*
I can't believe that woman said that stuff. She must be as dumb as a box of rocks not to have realized how her words would effect you. I'm so sorry, Karla.
Hmmm....Pricked that scar, did she? I thank God everytime I talk with you or read what you share here that you are willing and able to be 'real' with us - not hiding or pretending. I thank you for that. I also want to encourage you to let those tears flow when necessary. Love and hugs.
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Tammy : July 31, 2005 
