untanglingknots.com: Who am I?

by Karla ° Friday, September 23, 2005

I’ve been desperately trying to answer that question about myself since Ava passed away.

From the moment the maternal instinct kicked in and occupied every fiber of my mind while I desperately tried to conceive, to the many blissful nights humming to Ava in my tummy dreaming of the different life in store for me, to the day I went into labour, my thoughts have been consumed with a life full of babies, motherhood and what a stellar father my husband was going to be.

Her sudden and abrupt passing left me feeling like I have been dumped out of a getaway car in the middle of the dessert, left behind in a cloud of dust as the screeching getaway car sped away with my life and identity. I feel unsettled and frightened. The emptiness and nothingness left behind is disturbingly real.

Although we are still the mother and father of a darling little girl, she is only with us in heart, mind and soul while her tiny little body rests elsewhere. I am not engaged in the same type of motherhood role that my mind has been absorbed with fulfilling for the past few years.

The questions of “Who am I?”, “What am I supposed to do now?” and “Where do we go from here?” has been looming over my husband and I, causing great distress as we learn to cope with our childless life, the recent delivery of her final autopsy results and the intense fear of having more children. Everything we’ve been dreaming of has been crushed, altered and changed. Life is different. We can’t help but ask ourselves these questions.

I don’t know how, when or if we’ll ever have the answers, but in the interim, life must go on. There is a whole world out there to explore. It’s full of possibility, opportunity, and perhaps, somewhere out there, lies the answer to our questions. Finding our way out of this barren and empty place we’ve been thrust into hasn’t been easy. Even my wildest nightmares pale in comparison to the darkness that looms over our heads. Yet, despite the despair and sadness, moving on is starting to take more shape and form.

This past week has been and still is a whirlwind of activity of events, celebrations, getaways and excursions all coming together at the same time. My amazing husband and I celebrated our two year anniversary last Tuesday over a romantic dinner where we reminisced about the amazing 11 years of friendship we've shared and how much we've changed and grown together over that time. We’re eagerly anticipating the upcoming run (wish me luck) and two special birthdays tomorrow (that would be my mom and I who share a birthday). We also have an upcoming nine day business/pleasure getaway in October (which we are still deciding between Washington DC, New York City, Philadelphia or Atlantic City for the pleasure aspect of the trip) and we’ve decided on a sun filled vacation getaway in December to the Mayan Riviera for a blissful and romantic week in the sun and exploratory adventure of the Mayan Ruins. I can’t even begin to express how this sudden whirlwind of events has lifted my spirits. Having so much to look forward to is a welcome change.

I still don’t know who I am anymore, or what I am supposed to be doing with my life, but the dust is certainly starting to settle. In time, I will find myself again and the road that leads to home, wherever that may be and whoever I end up being when I get there.

Labels: Grief and Loss, Thinking Out Loud

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Comments:

who are you? To me you are one of the most beautifull and carring people i know,and when i say beautifull i mean from the inside and out.

Love you

Mom {{{ hugs }}}

Posted by Anonymous : September 23, 2005

Karla, best of luck to you on your run this weekend, I am sure you will do wonderfully.

As for your journey, I can only say that I am here to support you on your way.

Posted by Gina : September 23, 2005

I’m happy to see that you are allowing yourself to find out who you are rather than trying to create yourself into some sort of mold or ill-fitting lifestyle because you feel like it’s what you “should” be.
Too many times I have allowed others to decide who I was.

Posted by methatiam : September 23, 2005

Hi Karla, Wishing you the best of luck in your run this week end. I know you two will do great and that AVA will be watching down on you.
HEre's wishing you and your mom a very Happy Birthday and a Happy Be-lated Anniversary to you and Mark.

You and I both share the samethings. I also got married in September and my Birthday is September 26.

HUGS and GOOD LUCK this week end. Ciao.

Posted by Tammy : September 23, 2005

Good luck Karla you have a lot to look forward to.

Come to Philadelphia!

Posted by Kate Giovinco Photography : September 26, 2005

"perhaps somewhere out there lies the answer to our questions" and "whoever i end up being when i get there..." these lines are infused with such hope...

Posted by Bek : September 27, 2005

Who you are is out there waiting for you to find her. She is a work in progress. One thing I do know is that she is a lovely human with so much to offer. Go her her, Karla.
Hugs :)

Posted by Dora : September 27, 2005

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