| I have a bladder infection. |
When I pee, the sensation I feel can only be described as something along the lines of the burning inferno of hell residing inside of my vagina. The devil himself has decided to make his nasty ass comfortable inside my private place and perform sacrilegious satanic acts that breathe fiery hell causing pain when I pee.
As I am sure you are well aware, the most common cause of the searing pain involved to empty your bladder when you have a urinary tract infection is generally related to sex.
I found that out the hard way. My mom told me. When I was supposedly not having sex.
Ten years ago, at the tender age of 16, my boyfriend (now husband) and I decided to embark on a romantic getaway to Sudbury, Ontario. This six hour drive for a weekend sex getaway was cleverly disguised as an intellectual opportunity to visit a science centre and expand our teenage minds to intellectual stuff. Truthfully, we both lived at home and a romp in the hay was damn near impossible with the parents around. Somehow our parents bought our asinine sales pitch and we were on our way to spend the night in a sleezeball hotel where a free breakfast consisting of stale pastries and bitter coffee would complete our scandalous evening of awkward teenage sex.
(Dear god, remind me why it is that I want children so badly) We returned home in one piece, complete with retarded grins lacing our guilty faces, satiated with our devious little voyage. Little did I know, I was about to experience the wrath of my sinful getaway to "do the nasty". Soon after unpacking, I found myself screaming blood curdling obscenities while gripping the toilet with enough force to rip the plumbing right of the floor. While peeing razor blades and fire out of my vagina, I realized I was experiencing my first bladder infection.
Ten years later, (a.k.a. last weekend) I found myself at a church fair helping a dear friend with her crafty endeavors. After several coffees, a visit to the toilet in the church basement found me using the lords name in vein as the happy crafters bumbled around upstairs buying tasty Christmas treats, while I cursed the terribly boring apple butter guy and his dumb ass sales pitch about not spraying his wormy apples as my coffee filled bladder emptied and drained through my debilitated urethra. For a moment, I thought the universe was trying to punish my unchristian beliefs for even stepping foot on holy territory after all the contradictions and adamant vocalization about evolution and carbon dating I have been so vocal about for all these years.
In an attempt to validate my pain, I tried to remind myself that not so long ago my vagina had dilated itself to 7 cm in an attempt to push a human out of it, but in the heat of the moment, even the thought of pushing a human head out of me sounded more pleasant and appealing that the burning hellish pain of urinating pee the temperature of hot searing coals.
To find relief, I found myself waiting five and half (yes 5 ½) hours in an emergency room to get a prescription to handle my “issue”. I’m just glad that my husband was there to keep me company the entire five hours. Even though he is wonderful, caring and sympathetic like that, deep down, something tells me his compassion and support has more to do with his future sex prospects. For the time being, Mr. Happy has been black listed until I am all better, and under no circumstances will this cow girl ever be performing her duty in the reverse position ever again.Labels: It's All About Me, Soapbox |
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I have been keeping up with your blog for quite some time and I just had to tell you that your writing is awesome and you almost always make me laugh. I especially loved your post not too long ago with the awesome 80's workout attire. I was rolling at that one.
I hope the UTI clears up very quickly, I have never had one but I know they are torture!
Trish
http://mynewnormal.blogspot.com/
http://www2.caringbridge.org/fl/makilyangel/
I hope you are feeling better soon! That stinks nothing worse than a UTI! They are so painful.
Glad to hear from you! How did the job interview go?
CRANBERRY JUICE! PURE, NO SUGAR, CRANBERRY! AND WATER!! DRINK, GIRL, DRINK!!!! I HATE BLADDER INFECTIONS.
LOL. Isn't it great that girls get bladder infections..
Oh my dear, I am so sorry to be amused by your pain, but I couldn't help it.
I have never had a UTI, and I thank goodness for it. I have heard that the cranberry thing can be helpful.
Glad to hear from you!
I had my first UTI a few months ago, arriving on the heels after an award-worthy sex-4-times-in-3-hours performance. It was the middle of the night and I woke up having to go to the bathroom, which hasn't happened since, oh, EVER. And OH HOLY FIRES OF DAMNATION, it was horrible. I too found that sucking down as much water as possible helped ease the pain immensely, as did whatever that Rx was. Ya' just have to wait it out.
Hope it fades fast! : )
Ouch!
Actually, I feel your pain. Not in the Clintonian way, but as I've had my bladder scoped the 24 hour side effect was much the same as you've described. It made you want to try and control the flow with your mind, but unfortunately with all the pelvic posturing and positioning all I ended up doing was some sort of twisted pantomime.
Oh, you poor thing. I had one of those shortly after Richard and I moved in together.
Oh, you poor thing. I had one of those shortly after Richard and I moved in together.
Oh snap! My wife had UTIs like every few weeks for the first few months of our marriage. The UTIs have slowed down, so either so have we, or else she somehow toughened up. Very funny writing either way.
Cipro! I personally highly recommend it.
I guess I am lucky to have never had one. Get better soon!
Ok I really hope I don't get one now that I was that I never have had one!
That is the most accurate description of a UTI I have ever heard. May the antibiotics work their magic quickly so that you can soon be back to entertaining "Happy" thought again. :-)
Hugs,
Ann
Nice way to end it. I'm pretty sure that mental pic will never leave me! I hope it goes away soon...the infection, that is...well, the mental picture, too!
I manage a visitor from the UTI at least once a year. Damn they hurt like hell I feel your pain right now as I type this.
I've had UTI's they suck!!!! tell the devil to piss off!!! cranberry juice works really well :)
O am a guy who gets UTI's ... Trust me, if cutting off Mr. Happy with a pair of rusty garden shears meant I no longer had to piss razorblades I would do it in a second.
OMG I hate these frigging things ... and my girlfriend at the ravishing age of 44 has never had a single one.
Damn her to hell ...
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Monday, November 14, 2005
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Patyrish : November 14, 2005 
