Dear Ava

I can’t believe almost a whole year has gone by since you left us. Time has flown by at a miraculous pace, yet the sadness and pain of your loss remains heavy with every passing day. I’m still trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.

I want you to know that your dad and I are hanging in there. We miss you dearly and we think about you all the time. Sometimes the gravity of realizing you really are gone causes a deep burning right in the pit of my stomach until it resonates through my entire body. I know you had to leave, but coming to terms with your sudden departure still hurts. Some days the only thing that brings me comfort is to caress your tiny little hand and feet imprints. The healing is slow, but time helps.

Time also brought some clarity. Clarity has been difficult to find after the day you died and the blackness set in. As the days turned into nights, and the months came and went, dulling the burning rawness and sadness, clarity slowly started to creep its way into my thoughts. I was surprised when I began to realize that I have been discovering a lot about myself through you.

When you first died, your father and I swore that we would never let your death define who we were. We weren’t going to let this tragedy become our label. Yet, the more I tried not to define myself through you, the more I realized the impact you have left on my life. Slowly, I started to accept that your gentle presence was changing and redefining the me I used to know. You are one of the most important things that has ever happened to me, and I can’t help but be moved and touched by the giant impact you left behind and the gifts you have given me.

Your life awoke inside of me an awareness of pure, wholesome joy. Joy like I have never experienced before, and joy I yearn to know again. I felt joy that you were made up of nothing but the most completely authentic innocence that one can hold. Joy for all the memories you left behind, and most importantly, joy for your precious life, no matter how short it was.

Your presence has also taught me a valuable life lesson about making difficult decisions. I can’t think of many decisions more difficult to make than removing your own child from life support. Holding you in my arms while your tiny lungs gasped for air and your heart slowly stopped beating was the most bittersweet moment of my life.

Another important lesson I have learned through you Ava, is that life truly is fragile and something that should be treasured. A simple moment, a thread in time, can forever change us. I can honestly say that I was never truly alive until I came face to face with my own fragility.

And it is that fragility that keeps me humble and closer to the true meaning of life. Your daddy and I have grown closer together through our challenges. We were told countless times that the odds weren’t in our favor to make it through. It hasn’t been easy, but as we grow and change from this adversity, our newfound compassion and commitment to each other is strengthening. We share something special together, and that will never change.

I think the most valuable lesson that I have learned from you is that the true measure of life is not the type of experiences we go through, but how we grow as a better person because of them. I have grown from everything that has happened Ava. If someone would have asked me a year ago to find purpose in your loss, I would have been angry. But I know I am better person today. A stronger person, a more compassionate person.

So you did good kiddo. Those are some big lessons you’ve taught me. Thank you for touching my life in so many ways.

You are missed. You are loved. You will never be forgotten.

We’re hopeful the joy you brought into our lives will someday be felt again.

Hugs and Love,

Mommy

xo

Labels: Grief and Loss, In Memory of Ava, Letters