| Bittersweet |
I posted a blog a few days ago and removed it. I don’t know why I felt compelled to do so, but part of me felt silly for lashing out and whining.
I feel like I’m supposed to just “get over it” and spewing and venting is “getting old”. I feel like I need to put my happy clam suit on because I’ve overstayed my welcome to grieve.
The truth of the matter is, I’ve been struggling to keep my head above water lately. I’m in a slump. I’ve hit bottom again. I was rising above everything for a while, and then I crashed. I don’t know what happened exactly. I’ve been really upset that my hair is falling out in chunks, I’m starting to get really bored being at home alone all day and I just feel downright miserable.
I don’t know what the right answer is to when you ever get over losing a baby, but I realized that the way I feel is the way and I feel, and suppressing or denying myself from venting and communicating is not the right path to follow.
The post I removed detailed something that happened that was extremely difficult for me to do. I had to take a pregnancy test. If you know my history, pregnancy and bearing children is all I live for. It took too long for Ava’s miracle to grace my life, and although she is not with me, I still want children so badly.
Here is the deleted post.
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Getting pregnant right now would be about as smart as playing russian rullet with a loaded gun pointed at my forehead.
Am I emotionally ready to go through another pregnancy…probably not, but grieving Ava’s death and dealing with my own insecurities and fear about losing another baby is an emotional journey I know I will have to take whether I am pregnant tomorrow or five years from now.
Am I physically ready to support another pregnancy…NO!
My body has not had time to heal from being sliced open to retrieve my baby from my womb three months ago.
Dealing with actually losing a baby because I didn’t give my uterus proper healing time would send me right over the edge. If something happened as a result of my own stupidity and another life was lost because of it, I might as well pack my bags and go ahead and commit myself to the loony bin because that would be the end of my already short rope of mental stability.
Thursday was a defining day and a day that put the stability of my mental rope to the test.
I had to take a pregnancy test.
I want children so bad I can taste it. I dream of starting a family. I tried so hard to get pregnant and nearly lost my mind in the process (I certainly lost a lot of friends when I became neurotic about trying to conceive), that being pregnant again should be a time to rejoice, and be happy.
Rejoice and be happy perhaps if it’s physically safe to do so. I am not in that place right now. I can’t be pregnant now. I can’t! I would be putting myself and my unborn child in danger.
Taking that pregnancy test was one of the hardest and most mentally challenging things I have ever had to do.
I've taken what feels like hundreds in hopes for a positive result. I want a child so bad. I’ve been aching to mother and nurture a child for well over two years now. I live and breathe starting a family. That is all I think about, yet when I took that pregnancy test, I had to hope for a negative result.
How bittersweet is that?
It sickens and saddens me to no end knowing how bad I want something, but how important it is that my desires and needs aren’t granted right now.
The test was negative.
So too, has been my ability to rationalize and care about much else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Labels: Grief and Loss, Pregnancy, Thinking Out Loud |
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God, you poor dear. FIrst off, This is YOUR blog, about YOU! If you're greiving then we want to know it so we can try to help!
I feel like I can't say anything about your loss without feeling trite. I've never lost a child, especially not after carrying her for nine months, but I can only imagine how hard it would be. A friend of mine lost her baby at about 8months and she is now pregnant again. They told her that she might never be able to be pregnant, but only God knows for sure.
We are ALL here for you! Don't clam up, SPILL!
I've been reading here for a little while and first let my say I think you are a beautiful woman inside and out.
I don't think three months is long enough for you to think that you should be 'getting over' your loss. It is early days and you need to let yourself feel what you feel. Stifling real emotions is not healthy.
I also think feeling the need to wait until your body is physically ready for your next baby is extremely responsible! I lost a baby in 1991 and it took me 3 years to be brave enough to try again. Even after she was born I waited another 3 to try again and have my son.
My advice? As soon as the dr. gives you the all-clear to get pregnant again, go for it! You will be more ready than you realize.
But again, please give yourself the time to go through the grieving process and do not rush it...you will be all the more healthy mentally and physically when your next baby comes along! :)
Yes, you definitely need to try not to censor yourself if possible.
Alas, the chunks of hair falling out is a common post-partum thing. I had gobfuls of hair coming off every time I washed my hair and looked rather mangy for a while.
I want so much for you to know that I, and a lot of other people, care about you and want to see you find your happiness again.
Hugs...
hear yourself, you are making good progress in healing already, stop beating yourself up.
you have been through a lot, it takes loads of time and courage to really get over it. i'm glad that you are very sensible of the situation that you're in. try to take it easy, let your mind and body rest for a bit.
you would be there, but it is just a matter of time. hugs and love coming your way from the netherlands!!
Truthfully, I have been surprised at how quickly you've progressed and how little you've vented. So, give yourself a pat on the back and not a kick in the ...
I was thinking the same as Anvilcloud. I think anyone would still feel bad, and feel bad for a long time to come. Sure, you will have your good times, but there is still a lot of sadness. I think it's also pretty normal to want to put on a brave face for the world. My mom still does that a lot, and she is still grieving my dad a lot. She has said she's sure noone wants to hear her talk about it anymore, and she doesn't want everyone pitying her, so she has to look strong. Is that how you feel? To the impartial observer, 3 months doesn't sound like long to grieve, but I know when you are living it day after day with not much else to do, 3 months can feel like 3 years.
BTW, I'm proud of you for your 10 minute mile. Exercising and taking care of yourself is probably one of the best things you can do right now.
Karla, noone (myself included) could possibly imagine the pain involved in losing a child if they haven't actually gone through it themselves - so you shouldn't ever ever ever feel like you're burdening others with your feelings about it. If they are insensitive enough to think you should be "over it", they shouldn't be reading your blog! I have always wondered (as someone else who has dreamed of starting a family since I was born!) how anyone EVER, no matter how much time goes by, gets over losing a child. I think that you have ever right in the world to mourn every day of your life if that's what it takes (although I hope not, for your sake) and blogging is an outlet for you to vent and tell people how you feel... you should take advantage of that if it is helping you to recover. Hang in there and say exactly how you feel - you deserve that! You are incredible and strong for making it this far - don't force yourself into rushing things just b/c you think others would want you to. Keep your head up!
Oh - and congrats on the exercise routine - that is awesome!
Everyone mourns differently. You don't "Get Over It"..you just move forward. My husband lost his son 3 months ago. He has his good days and his bad. There is no time limit.
I don't know your pain, I don't have children, but I can't even imagine what you're going through.
You should be able to say whatever you want on your blog--it's for YOU.
Karla, I hope you take all of those good comments to heart. It sounds to me that no one is tired of you venting. I, like you feel that maybe sometime that people get tired of hearing it over and over again. Like I said once before I wish I could fast forward my life for one whole year. I know there will always be a pain in our hearts but someday I hope it will not be so painfull.
Love Mom
Vent all you want. You have good reason to feel the way you do.
Hope things work out the way that you want them to..
Thanks so much everyone for your encouragement and kinds words. It's so very comforting to know I can vent and someone will listen (or read at least) :)
Girl! Vent away! I am with Anvilcloud and Julia. I'm pretty surprised that you're doing as well as you are, especially having to be alone as much as you have lately. I so wish you lived here, I would keep you company everyday, and you could vent all you want to me! Alas, that's not the case, so do feel free to vent to me anytime you wish, as well as on your blog. I'm still grieving the loss of your little baby, albeit on a smaller level, being that I will never know the pain you've been through, but...If I still am, of course you should still be! Anyone who could be tired of hearing about it is just insensitive and callous (sp?), and that's that.
Give yourself a break for whining/crying/screaming/ or whatever you need to do now and then. It's been 5 years since I lost my son, and I still write about him a fair bit, still cry about it now and then, and still sit by his graveside and let the hurt happen. The pain is not as sharp as it was, but it's still there.
You never get over losing someone, it just gets easier to live with as time passes.
*hugs*
karla,
There is no handbook/rule book for how to grieve. There just ain't. There is also not a 'time limit' for when you should stop/start/move forward. Remember how I said that this grief journey would be forward and backward steps/leaps? This seems to be a down time for you. You are doing what you need to do to move forward. We don't 'get over' letting go - we just move forward. We most often do it better by allowing others to support us (or carry us when necessary) along the way and remember to remain true to ourselves and don't pretend everything is hunky dory when it isn't. There will be days when it is and we will be there to celebrate that just as we are here now to hear your grief without running away. Sometimes you just need to hear other people say, "Its perfectly ok to cry and feel what you feel. We don't expect you to be over this.... Hell! We aren't over it yet and we didn't even live it." Feel what you feel, write what you think/feel - cling to those that love you and stand beside you. Healing will happen on its own time frame. You will move forward and knowing what I already know about you - - it will be a victorious rise :) Blessings sweetie :)
Karla, you know this speaks to my heart. I'm glad you put the post back up. So very glad. I guess, that maybe hearing about your own journey, your realizations, your needs, wants and your highs and lows has made me feel not so alone. I want you to talk. And I want to listen.
I'm thinking of you.
~Silently Lurking~
I certainly don't think you should be "over" anything. And please don't put on a fake happy face. Be honest with yourself. I think that will go a long way in helping you with your grief -- to feel it, and live through it, honestly. And from what I can tell, you've done just that so far.
Karla, By you even starting this second blog, shows me how strong you are.
You need to vent and we are here to listen. You could never vent too much and to be honest you don't vent that often, so many you need to vent more to feel better.
Once the Dr. gives you an OK to start having babies, go for it. My advice now is to wait until your body and mind is ready.
I can't imagina what you must be going through. If it were me I would probably want a baby right away but like you said, your body may not handle it right now.
BIG HUGS SENT YOUR WAY. I here if you ever feel like venting. Ciao.
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Humor Girl : August 05, 2005 
